Which Way?

“Cheschire-Puss,” Alice began, rather timidly. “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”  

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.  

“I don’t much care where—“ said Alice.  

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.  

“—so long as I get somewhere.” 

I’ve spent my life—as many of us do—making plans as to what I will do next. Feeling in a panic if I don’t have the next step lined up. Worrying about failure or worse, looking like a failure to the outside world. 

In this beautiful western world of abundance and choices, sometimes there are just too many choices. We are inundated with ideas, temptations, other people's opinions and success stories; we lose touch with what exists in our own hearts.

I ask you to reflect on what happens when you make a decision that comes from your heart and what happens when you do something because you think you should. 

I have noticed that when I make a firm decision with my mind and my heart in sync everything that needs to happen just falls into place. When I make a decision because I think I should do something, it is an upward battle the entire way and it never really works out.

As I struggle with wanting to know which way I should go right now I have decided to become quiet. I have decided to become in touch with me. I have decided to carefully filter the opinions of others, to sift through all of the many choices I have and to find what sits right with me.

What exists in your heart may seem too big or ridiculous or out of reach at the moment but if it's your path follow it. It will take you where you are supposed to go.

Yogas Citta Vrtti Nirodhah

This morning I found a mantra that works for me.  Whenever my mind started wandering during my practice, I repeated to myself, Yogas citta vrtti nirodhah - To restrain the whirl pools of the mind is yoga (Yoga Sutra 1:2).  It simply popped into my head while I was practicing and it is the one Yoga Sutra of Pantanjali that I have been able to remember in Sanskrit.

As soon as my mind wandered to what I had to do during the day - what we were going to have for dinner, work, yoga training, my lack of a career, my inability to bind in Marichyasana D - I repeated this in my mind with real conviction and belief.  Now to say that this worked is just me telling you it did but I have actual proof.  As I reached Marichyasana D I kept repeating my mantra while slightly smiling so that I was focused and in a decent frame of mind.  I went into the asana with no expectation on the second side and what do you know I actually was able to clasp each hand, bind and hold the asana for 7 breaths without an inkling of pain in my right ankle!  I can tell you that at that moment I broke into a real, genuine smile - it was a moment of pure bliss.  The moment I chose to let go and just be was when what I have been striving for actually surfaced.

Now we'll see if I can do it tomorrow :-)

Namaste.

Smile

Today I smiled through my practice.  I tried to invite love into my practice and tried to send love into my self.  When the going got tough, I smiled.  I lifted the corners of my lips ever so slightly and breathed.  The lift that I physically created in my face helped lift my core, my chest and my spirit.

When I reached Mari D - which nearly brought me to tears yesterday - I had a little pep talk with my self and the yoga.  I decided that I was going to choose to love Mari D, no matter what it looked like or felt like on any given day.  There will be no more forcing, no more roughness.  There will be no more dislike of the asana - I don't think that negative energy is helping my right hip, knee or ankle release any faster - there will be no more impatience.  I will be gentle, I will accept it for what it is and I will smile and breathe.

Namaste.

Gentle Breath

It was lovely to be back in a class setting this morning.  The sound of others breathing, the movement of peoples bodies and the smell of the subtle incense helped me to find my focus.

Three words that Jeff said to me this morning that I will try to bring forward into my practice everyday.

Breathe.

Smile.

Gentle.

Gentle. 

Smile. 

Breathe.

Smile. 

Gentle.

Breath.

Breath.

Gentle.

Smile.

And Now The Other Side

I haven't been to the yoga studio since Sunday.  Normally - when Victoria has not been hit by snow and there is no ice on the roads and I don't have to sweep snow off my car at 5:30 in the morning - I would have gone to two morning mysore classes by Thursday.  This morning, I did not want to do anything.  I enjoyed my chanting and my preparation for pranayama - probably because they are so new - but my asana practice was rough.  The entire time, from my first Surya Namaskr, my mind would not shut the hell up.  It just kept trying to convince me that I did not want to practice.  This is when being in a class with other people and a teacher is so very helpful.  There's peer pressure to keep moving, to keep going.  I closed right before Marichyasana A.  I was done.  I rested in child's pose after Savasana, that seemed to help ground me.

So whereas yesterday I was in love with the fact that I could create my own practice in my own living room without the need for a teacher.  Today would have been the perfect day to have someone gently coax me forward.

There's always two sides to the story.

Why I Love My Practice

As I inhaled, held my legs firmly together, lifted my hips, kept my toes firmly planted on the ground and my gaze (dristi) rested on the tip of my nose I realized I'd forgotten two standing poses.  Two!  Utthita Hasta Pandangussthasana and Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana slipped away from my practice as I gazed out the window at the waving trees and the blowing snow.

This is the beauty of a personal practice.  You are your own teacher.  You are forever responsible for keeping your mind in the present moment.  There is no voice to remind you which asana comes next.  There is no teacher gently calling you back into the room.  There are no other bodies to watch and compare yourself to.  You need to be fully present and aware of each movement, each breath or you will forget asanas and possibly lose your balance and fall on your ass.

This is why I am falling in love with the traditional Ashtanga yoga method, the mysore method.  I practice a few days a week in a yoga room full of people who are in all sorts of different stages of their asana practice.  Some start at 6 am, some at 7:30.  Some are just beginning and are learning the sequence of the poses and spend time working with the teaching.  Some are working right through the primary series and have been given a pranayama practice.  The teacher walks around the room observing and assisting.  Sometimes encouraging students with physical assistance, sometimes by voice alone.  The yoga room always feels peaceful yet is never quiet.  You hear people breathing, mats squeaking, feet sticking to the wood floors.  Sometimes the room thunders when someone falls from an arm balancing pose.  It is a perfect example how silence and sound can exist in harmony.

I feel welcome whenever I walk in.  I am greeted by the teacher, whether it be a smile as they help someone twist into an asana or a pat on the back and how are you today.  Some days I get many corrections, many assists in poses.  Some days I am left completely alone except for a voice from the other side of the room telling me to lift my heart as I stretch forward.

The days that I don't get myself to the yoga studio, I practice in my living room.  This is especially useful on days when the weather is so gross out I don't want to leave the house.  The mysore method has taught me that I am able to practice yoga anywhere I can.  I have learned to remember what I was told in the studio.  I have been able to become more aware of myself.  I am able to take the peace and tranquility that I find in a led class or a mysore class and bring it right into my very own living room.  This is a gift that I would never trade for the world.  The gift of self discovery and practice.  The gift of learning how to find your own peace.  I am truly grateful to be a student of yoga and to be consistently learning and growing within my self.

Bringing Life To What's Around You

I am currently reading Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg.  LW gave this to me a year, maybe two, ago and I read some of it but lost interest.  Since I've kept up a pretty steady writing practice on here I decided to pick it up again and I'm devouring it. 

In her chapter, Be Specific, Natalie writes, 'When we know the name of something, it brings us closer to the ground.  It takes the blur out of our mind; it connects us to the earth.  If I walk down the street and see "dogwood," "forsythia," I feel more friendly toward the environment.  I am noticing what is around me and can name it.  It makes me more awake.'

And that, my friends, is exactly how I felt when I learned all of the native herb, shrub and tree species of British Columbia.  Suddenly, all those green bushes that surrounded me had a name.  They had different characteristics.  They grew where they did because they were meant to.  It wasn't just a fluke.  For instance, now when I see a Spruce tree (on Vancouver Island) I know that the ground in which it is growing is generally moist.  I know that when I see Horsetail, we've got a water issue.  I know that Ocean Spray likes dry, rocky soil and I know that Salmon Berry seeds can lay dormant for 50 years, patiently waiting for a tree to fall so they can receive enough light in order to sprout.

I remember the world took on a new light when I realized that everything around me was so unique in nature.  Fabric, the hair on people's heads, the clouds in the sky and every single person that crosses our path.  We are all unique and special in our own little ways.  I needed that gentle reminder today.

Ocean spray or Holodiscus discolor

Find What Works For You and Put The Ego To Rest

There's been a lot of talk going around the yoga blogs in the past couple of days regarding an article featured in the New York Times Magazine - How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body. 

The essay recounts many examples dating back to the 1970s of documented cases where yoga practitioners have seriously injured themselves - usually while practicing headstands, shoulder stand and deep back bends.  Some of this seemed over the top and the numbers collected from the Consumer Product Safety Commission that 'showed that the number of emergency-room admissions related to yoga, after years of slow increases, was rising quickly.' seemed relative to the rise of the actual number of people who have started practicing yoga in the last few years.  Business is booming thus more injuries will occur.  The only part of the essay I found relevant was a quote by Glenn Black, ‘Asana is not a panacea or a cure-all. In fact, if you do it with ego or obsession, you’ll end up causing problems.’

This truly resonated with me yesterday.  There I was in class trying to get into Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana.  I could get into it three weeks ago - was even binding properly.  But it's been hurting, I could really feel it my knee yesterday morning.  I knew I should have just done the modification and moved on but I wanted to try.  Jeff walked up behind me and told me not to strain my knees.  I came out immediately.  One thing I do not want to do is hurt my knees.  So I swallowed my ego and asked for a modification in Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana.  Honestly, I've been putting this off.  I really want my right leg to cooperate and fold neatly and painlessly into half lotus.  Being called out on it really brought me back down to Earth.

I think there is a huge misconception that yoga is all about flexibility - that it's all about the end result - the beautiful asanas that are possible.  It is very easy to fall into this mind frame when you watch endless videos of perfectly performed asanas or when you observe other people in your class who may be very experienced or are blessed with a flexible spine.

In my oh so humble opinion, yoga is very much about releasing what we do with our bodies.  It is about accepting what we do and moving on.  It is about finding focus and oneness with our bodies, minds and breath.  It is about releasing all those things that are created in our minds to trick us and stress us out.

I have just started really becoming aware of that voice inside of me that says, 'I want to put both my feet behind my head!' or 'I want to be able to float back gracefully in my Vinyasas.'.  There's absolutely no doubt that I do want this but not being able to do these things does not in any circumstance mean that I am not practicing yoga - that I am not as 'good' as a practitioner who can perform these asanas.   Kino MacGregor puts it well, 'Physical form and posture, although extremely useful along the way, are not the end goal of yoga. It simply does not matter whether your hamstrings are long or your body is toned if you are not able to be a nice person. Alternatively a person practicing the most basic and beginner level of yoga while maintaining a heartfelt devotion to living a more peaceful life is perhaps a very accomplished yogi.' 

Back to the subject on hand, can you hurt yourself while practicing yoga?  Of course you can.  You will push yourself while you practice.  You are getting to know your body and it's limits.  And like any relationship there will be pain and there will be tears as you get to know each other and as you heal.  BUT you need to be well aware of the difference between pain and discomfort.  When something hurts so much that it takes your breath away or makes you cringe, stop!  Ask your teacher.  Be honest with yourself.  If you find your questions are not being answered ask again and then ask again.  Read.  Do research.  You do have a teacher but you are also your own teacher.  If something doesn't feel right about a class, ask questions.  If in your heart you don't like the person you are learning from find someone else.

Yoga is about personal growth, if you choose to ignore something that is going on for you in your body you are most likely ignoring something that is going on in your life.  Be honest with yourself.  Practice with mindfulness.  Be present and don't ever ever be afraid to ask questions. 

About Meditation

A piece of wisdom from Tenzin Palmo.

"Our minds are like junk yards.  What we put into them is mostly rubbish!  The conversations, the newspapers, the entertainment, we just pile it all in.  There's a jam session going on in there.  And the problem is it makes us very tired.

When we normally think of resting we switch on the TV, or go out, or have a drink.  But that does not give us real rest.  It's just putting more stuff in.  Even sleep is not true rest for the mind.  To get genuine relaxation we need to give ourselves some inner space.  We need to clear out the junk yard, quieten the inner noise.  And the way to do that is to keep the mind in the moment.  That's the most perfect rest for the mind.  That's meditation.  Awareness.  The mind relaxed and alert.  Five minutes of that and you'll feel refreshed, and wide awake.

People say they don't have time for "meditation".  It's not true!  You can meditate walking down the corridor, waiting for the computer to change, at the traffic lights, standing in a queue, going to the bathroom, combing your hair.  Just be there in the present, without the mental commentary.  Start by choosing one action during the day and decide to be entrirely present for one action.  Drinking the tea in the morning.  Shaving.  Determine, for this action I will really be there.  It's all habit.  At the moment we've got the habit of being unaware.  We have to develop the habit of being present.  Once we start to be present in the moment everything opens up.  When we are mindful there is no commentary - it's a very naked experience, wakeful, vivid.

Meditation is not about sitting in a cave for twelve years.  It's everyday life.  Where else do you practice generosity, patience, ethics?  How much patience did I have to have sitting up in my cave listening to the wolves howl?  Ultimately the Buddha dharma is about transforming the mind, which in Buddhist parlance includes the heart.  The transformation of the heart/mind cannot be achieved if we only sit in meditation and ignore the dharma of our everyday life."

Yesterday, I tried to be fully present while putting away the dishes.  It's difficult.  I work everyday at being present in my yoga practice but in my mind, my practice is where I allow myself to practice awareness.  Doing the dishes is often where I allow my mind to wander, to follow crazy paths, to get worked up or get sad.  

Bringing awareness and becoming present in all of our tasks is the challenge.  To quiet the mind and the garbage, to feel with our hearts.

Blessings To All

I am currently reading Cave in the Snow, the story and life of Buddhist nun, Tenzin Palmo. In 1976 she secluded herself in a remote cave in the Himalayas for twelve years on the search for enlightenment. Her story has warmed my heart in the last few days of 2011 - has renewed my faith in the capabilities and depth of the human heart and has left me in awe at the purity of one woman's life journey.

I will have to rescind my statement of best book of 2011 because the story of Tenzin Palmo has touched me deeply. This is by far one of the most inspiring stories I have ever read. 

In the spirit of Tenzin Palmo, I wish each and every one of you a year full of compassion and love for yourselves and all those around you.

Namaste.

What Is Mysore About?

These three videos feature David Keil discussing the Ashtanga mysore method of practice.  With 3 months of mysore practice under my belt, I can say that David expresses very accurately what you will expect as a newcomer to the Ashtanga mysore practice.  So if you're curious about exploring something new, pick up your knitting and take a listen to the interview. 

Thanks to Laruga for sharing these on her blog.

Sometimes...

Sometimes...

It pays to be pushy and ask for what you want.

Homemade Christmas gifts are better than bought ones.

It feels as though you're taking a step back.

That step back means a giant leap is about to happen.

Thoughts On A Dark Morning

It is in the dark before the dawn that I feel my most exposed.  When my insecurities and vulnerabilities are at their most fragile and left unprotected.  Before I have spoken a word to anyone and rebuilt the exterior shell that protects me during the day.  It is as I lay in the darkness - second guessing my plans and the beginning of a dream that I feel most ungrounded and uncentered.  It is during these moments of exposure - as I allow these thoughts to make me feel weak that I become aware that they are manifestations of my ego wanting to protect itself from becoming bruised and damaged - that I must roll out my mat, open my heart and breathe.

Las Vegas work of art. 

Holy Practice

Last night was an amazing and tough practice.  There were very few people in the Mysore room when I arrived and once I'd moved through Surya Namaskr A & B, Harmony was there adjusting me and helping me go deeper.

I touched my chin to my shin in Utthita Hasta Padangushthasana with help but my goodness was that difficult and liberating.  I was able to lift my legs through my arms in a couple of jump backs.  I was able to bring my nose to my shin in Mari A by inhaling and lengthening my breast bone forward then exhaling folding forward.  I struggled with Mari D on the second side.  I have a hard time finding that perfect spot for my foot to sit in my hip crease and receive a lot of feed back in my ankle.  I was given a new asana, Navasana or boat pose.  I then proceeded to do 6 sets of Urdhva Dhanurasana (wheel pose).  On the fifth set, Harmony helped me walk my hands closer to my feet.  I have few words to explain the feeling of moving your hands closer to your feet while pushing against gravity and seeing the world upside down.  I was taught to do Chakrasana or backward roll out of the Shoulder Stand sequence.

It was an amazing practice.  I find that as my teachers help me move a little deeper into asanas that I it gives me the confidence to try to go deeper on my own.  It liberates me from my own mind where I think I may not be ready and it pushes me to try harder.  I learned a lot about what I am capable of last night and where I need to bring energy to during my practice.

Mind Garbage

I took 4 days off from my Ashtanga practice.  This morning was my first day back on the mat.  I hadn't planned on it but Thursday was a moon day, Friday I tried Bikram again after a month off, Saturday is a traditional day of rest and while I considered practicing I was kind of yoga'd out and Sunday I just didn't want to.

I was yoga'd out because, well, I let my mind get the best of me after my Bikram practice on Friday.  I started thinking waaayyyy too much about what direction my practice needs to go in.  Why I think it should go a certain way.  And I felt I needed to explain or justify whichever practice I choose to do - to myself and you lovely people who read my blog.  I love doing this to myself.  I love stressing myself out about tiny little details that occur in my life.  It can be anything from my yoga practice to how I spoke to the barista at Starbucks.  Ridiculous.  It really is.  Especially when it comes to my yoga.  When I do this to myself I get to a point where I am so worked up about a situation it consumes my mind.  It gets to a point where my brain is about to explode and I hit a release valve and it all leaves and I stop thinking about it completely.  I step back completely and just let myself be for as long as I need.  This is what I did this weekend.

As I rolled out my mat this morning and brushed my teeth and pulled my hair back, a tiny part of me didn't want to practice.  But as I took my first breath and grounded through my feet and tried to access the lift through my core, I started to feel the yoga work it's magic almost immediately.  I felt the mind garbage, the negative self criticizing thoughts leave my body and my soul.

Tomorrow, I leave to Vancouver for a few days to visit a girlfriend.  I plan on practicing every morning and spending some time exploring the city on my own while she is in a course.  I'll be blogging via my iPhone so I hope it works!

Namaste, everyone.

Be true to your self today.

xo

Know When To Rest

I broke tradition today.  In the Ashtanga yoga tradition, Saturday is a rest day.  I took my rest day yesterday.  

This week has been a tough one for my practice.  My lower back has been sore and so you would think that my practice would get a little easier.  It hasn't.  Every movement that I go through during my practice has been done with more care, more conscious effort than I've ever done before.  I move more slowly while lowering down in Dandasana, taking care that my core, my legs, my arms are all working together and are strong.  I move even more slowly into Urdhva Mukha Svanasana (Upward Dog) while focusing on opening my chest and lengthening through my abdomen.

I've been able to find this new focus from the two Mysore classes I went to this week.  I was lucky to receive invaluable information from both Jeff and Harmony.  They both gave me different tips on how I can work through my soreness.  I think that this rediscovery of this old injury will help my practice.  Sometimes you don't know you are doing something incorrectly until you receive feedback from your body.  When you receive that feedback you need to listen to it and as I was told, you do not want to reaggravate the discomfort.

I was also lucky enough to be helped into Marichyasana D on Tuesday and Thursday.  Oh my god does this asana feel incredible when you are in it.  The twist that I received in my spine was indescribable and the rush that I felt with all of my internal organs compressed together while still breathing and holding myself upright is one of the most amazing feelings of control I have ever experienced.  I love that now I know how I am supposed to get into this asana.  I tried it on my own this morning and while I was far from binding, am able to take on a new approach.

So as you can see it's been a busy week in my yoga world.  A lot of new things have been revealing themselves to me.  Thursday night after Mysore class and dinner I could barely move.  My joints were stiff and sore.  My back was bothering me again and I just felt old.  I needed a day off immediately, to allow myself to recuperate from the various changes I've been experiencing in my yoga.  I am so happy that I listened to my body because this morning I had very little feedback from my lower back.  I had a lot of energy and felt strong through my practice.

Sometimes you need to break tradition to do what's right for you.  You are the best judge of what you need.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

We all know the story of the tortoise and the hare.  The hare challenges the tortoise to a race to prove how fast he is.  The slow tortoise accepts and the hare laughs at him thinking he will have no problem beating the tortoise.  The hare remains cocky and decides to sleep while the tortoise continues to plod forward with determination and with as much strength and energy that he has.  And the underestimated tortoise wins in the end.

This story popped into my head this morning as I was practicing my yoga.  I have begun moving much more slowly in my vinyasas.  I am finding more strength through my legs and feet and I am stretching my heart forward as I lower down into Dandasana.  Keeping the strength from Dandasana, I slowly and carefully roll my chest up and my shoulders back while lengthening and strengthening through my abdomen into Upward Dog.  I am trying to be much more aware of my core and to keep the control in my hips to prevent them from simply dropping down in order to get a deeper back bend.  I am actually resisting my deepest backbend for the time being because I think that is how I hurt my back.  I am trying to find the strength before I go deeper.  My transition from Upward Dog to Downward Dog has slowed down as well.  I am searching for the strength of my core, my legs and my arms to lift me up into Down Dog.  I realized that I was simply using my momentum to transition between the poses.

This awareness that I am trying to bring to my practice has slowed down my practice immensely.  My vinyasas are becoming a part of the practice as opposed to being something I must do between the asanas to stay warm.

Now, we all know that in the practice of yoga there is no race but I think that we all have a tortoise and a hare that exits within us.  The hare that wants us to be able to do all those amazing arm balancing postures and deep back bends as quickly as possible because we feel we have something to prove.  And the tortoise, that simply wants us to do what we can by focusing on the moment and putting one foot in front of the other.

The hare may be what helps us begin our yoga journey but the tortoise is what keeps us practicing.  The determination of the tortoise allows us to continue our practice through injury or life getting busy.  The tortoise allows us to access the resilience that is sometimes needed through a practice.  If we keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what the pace, eventually we will get there, where ever there may be.

Sense of Obligation

I have this sense of obligation to people sometimes.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing because I think it makes me who I am but it can sometimes cause me an immense amount of stress.

I admire people who can say no easily or feel no guilt when they change their minds about something.

This is my work in process.  To do what I want to do without feeling guilt or an obligation to people who really don't matter.

"Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is . . . impossible."

                                                         - Richard Bach

"If you are living out of a sense of obligation you are slave."

                                                        - Wayne Dyer

Observation of the Day

Last night I said to LW that I didn't think I'd be going to yoga class tonight.  He asked me why not.  I'm feeling stressed out, I said.  He raised his eyebrows and slowly nodded.  

Then it hit me.  I love my yoga class.  There is more than enough time during the day to apply for jobs, pick up a few groceries and stop by my grandparents house.  I need this time to step away from my job search and my overactive thoughts.

Why did I feel the need to refrain from doing something that I love because I felt stressed out?

I will be going to class tonight.