Reflection

I sat on top of Mount Doug last night next to the woman I love most in the world, my mum. We sat next to each on the hard bedrock breathing in the ocean air that always hovers around Victoria. Mount Baker stood tall and white capped far across the Juan De Fuca Strait. The Gulf Islands lay peaceful covered in Douglas fir and cedar trees. The ocean was so calm it gleamed up at us like an ice covered lake. The mountains to the west were coloured like a Roger Dean painting in purples, mauves and blues that only ever exist in my dreams. A fog hung low to the south east blanketing the Olympic mountains, giving them the appearance of small hills.

We were on top of the highest point in Victoria to watch the sun set behind the mountains and the full moon rise through the blanket of fog simultaneously.

As I took in the beauty surrounding me I couldn't help reflecting on where I was a year ago. 

A year ago, the sun didn't shine for me. I lived under a constant gray cloud that drizzled on me even in my dreams. When the rainy clouds of November arrived, it didn't faze me at all. Mum remembers asking me to go watch this natural phenomenon last year and I didn't want to. It is amazing what emotions and depression can do to you. How powerful these emotions are, how they take control of your mind and rule your life. To be fair to myself, last year was very difficult and I have come out the other side a stronger, calmer, more compassionate person.

With the help of my yoga teachers and my asana, pranayama and meditation practice, the most valuable thing I have learned in the last year is how to practice mindfulness in my life. I am learning how my mind works and how to be more conscious of my thoughts. In Brené Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she defines mindfulness:

"Mindfulness requires that we not "over-identify" with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught and swept away by negativity."

For myself, mindfulness has become a very useful tool when it comes to my emotions. Emotions are triggered by things that occur around us or memories that we experience. I have always been an emotional person, I experience my emotions very strongly. Through my life they have often debilitated me to the point that I couldn't get out of bed or they would consume me so much that I could not focus on anything else. I have learned how to allow myself to feel the emotions, to breathe them in completely, wallow in them if I need to, accept them and then to detach from them. They do not define who I am, they are only something I need to feel in order to truly experience what I need to so that I can process what is occurring in my life. This is by no means easy. I work with this every day. I practice it everyday. 

Some people need to learn how to calm different parts of their mind. It could be learning how to still the constant monologue that occurs while you are practicing yoga. It could be becoming aware of when you are constantly planning the future, that you are existing in the future so much that you forget how beautiful the moment of now can be.

Something powerful happens when you learn to control your thoughts. You learn to have compassion for yourself and others. You discover there is space in your life for peace. Listening becomes something you want to do. You begin to take responsibility for your own hang ups. And the biggest thing for me has been that I am learning to let go of having to control everything all of the time.

The sun turned bright red as it dipped behind the mountains and the moon rose serenely out the fog and into the azure blue of the sky. I couldn't help but think that this is what life is like. Sometimes we shine brightly and with great power like the July sun and other times we rise graciously and calmly knowing the power we hold exists deep within us, it need only be given a chance to shine. 

As Mum and I walked down the mountain I felt so grateful for my life. These priceless moments, the hardships and the amazing people are so precious, I must have won the lottery in a past life.

With Yoga Comes Responsibility.

Someone asked me the other day what it was I liked about the Ashtanga Mysore practice as opposed to any other yoga class that is led by a teacher. 

For me it is the fact that I must take responsibility for my own practice from the moment I step on the mat to the moment I leave the room.  I have to really connect and be aware of my own body - it's capabilities and limitations - at any given moment.  I also have to be responsible for giving it my all - whatever my all may be on that day. 

I think one of the reasons I like this is because this responsibility seems to carry into every day life.  I am responsible for everything that happens in my life.  I don't mean things that are out of my control like how people speak to me or the fact that I was laid off.  It's more that I am trying to learn to take responsibility to how I react to these moments in life.  I can choose how upset, happy, excited, angry I become to any given situation.

I cannot blame my teacher if I hurt myself while practicing.  I can only take that injury and learn from it.  Become more aware of what happened to cause the injury and take full responsibility to not repeat the aggravation.  Every single time I step on my mat I make a promise to be completely honest with myself.  The more quickly I learn to become honest in my practice, the more responsible I become as a yoga practitioner, thus becoming more aware of my self.

Thoughts On A Dark Morning

It is in the dark before the dawn that I feel my most exposed.  When my insecurities and vulnerabilities are at their most fragile and left unprotected.  Before I have spoken a word to anyone and rebuilt the exterior shell that protects me during the day.  It is as I lay in the darkness - second guessing my plans and the beginning of a dream that I feel most ungrounded and uncentered.  It is during these moments of exposure - as I allow these thoughts to make me feel weak that I become aware that they are manifestations of my ego wanting to protect itself from becoming bruised and damaged - that I must roll out my mat, open my heart and breathe.

Las Vegas work of art. 

A Gentle Reminder

I tweaked my lower back yesterday.  I am pretty sure this happened during my practice.  So this morning I focused on my movements and tried to move just a little more slowly.  I figured out right away where this tweak occurred.

In Urdha Mukha Svanasana (Upward Facing Dog), I've been letting the strength go from my legs, my hips and my bum.  I was pretty much just flopping down into the pose and losing all mindfulness of my lower spine.  So I guess without my muscles being contracted my spine was able to flop around where ever it wanted and I was losing the strength in my lower back.  

I also noticed that as I neared the end of my practice and I started getting a little tired my vinyasas suffered.  I would lose the connection between my lower back and legs during the transition from Upward Facing Dog to Adho Mukka Svanasana (Downward Facing Dog).  I found that I would just kind of flick my hips upwards and I was taking most of the movement on the right side of my lower back because that is my stronger side.  I was getting lazy on my left side and losing the control.

It's interesting because I thought I was being mindful.  It's amazing how easy it is to lose that focus without a teacher there to constantly remind you of what you need to do.  It's a good reminder that I need to be aware, both physically and mentally, of how I am moving through my practice.