Today...

I want to be present.  I want to focus on every movement and every breath when I go to my Ashtanga class this evening.

My Ashtanga classes have shifted from a "led" class to what the owners are now calling an introductory to Mysore.  I'm loving it.  I love that I get to find my own breath, my own movement.  My body gets to feel the poses on it's own accord.  It gets me excited for attending 6am Mysore classes when I can afford to pay for a Mysore pass.

Tonight, my focus will be on presence.

Pranayama and Breath

I used to find Pranayama Deep Breathing, the start of a Bikram class, very difficult and challenging.  I now enjoy the breathing exercise, it fills me with energy.  

As I experiment with the breath in Ashtanga yoga, it reminds me that finding the breath can be difficult and challenging and that being aware of each breath brings focus to the practice.

I am re reading Iyengar's Light on Life and I like Mr Iyengar's insight on Pranayama:

"Yogic breathing techniques are meditative in their origin and in their effect.  They basically consist of four parts.  They are inhalation (puraka), retention of the breath after inhalation (antara kumbhaka), exhalation (recaka) and retention after exhalation (bahya kumbhaka).  The in-breath should be long, subtle, deep, rhythmic, and even.  The energizing ingredients of the atmosphere  percolate into the cells of the lungs and rejuvenate life.  By retaining one's in-drawn breath, the energy is fully absorbed and distributed to the entire system through the circulation of blood.  The slow discharge of air in exhalation carries out accumulated toxins.  By pausing after the out-breath according to one's capacity, all stresses are purged and drained away.  The mind remains silent and tranquil."

"It is impossible , when we turn our attention to the inner movement of breath, to use our senses externally at the same time.  You cannot also be thinking that you must stop at the supermarket on the way home after work.  Pranayama is the beginning of withdrawal from the external engagement of the mind and senses.  That is why it brings peacefulness.  It is the hinge between extroversion and introversion" 

The second paragraph I find to be very true in my Ashtanga practice.  I have had moments where my mind has wandered, in my home practice, and I have lost everything.  My balance, the asana, my breath.  When I stopped and found my breath and focus I was able to continue.

My Plants

Growing up in a Dutch household, I am very used to having plants in my home.  I feel they belong in a house, in any building.  Green plants and fresh flowers give me a feeling of comfort and of peace.  Having something that is living in my home environment is a need, not an option.

According to NASA plants in the home help purify the air of harmful trace chemicals.  I know that I prefer spaces with plants in them.  They make me feel more relaxed.  I feel like they fill space nicely and give warmth to a room.  Apparently, hospital patients recover faster when they have a view of the park.

Here are some of my plants.  And, yes, you will notice that they have genders.  No names, though, I've never been good with naming things.

My gorgeous African violets.  They had divided and I had 4 plants in one pot, I just replanted them and was worried they wouldn't be happy.  She looks pretty happy to me!

My ficus, who I learned does not like bright light, so he sits in the living room, next to my Peace Lily.  My Peace Lily never blooms but I've had it for over 10 years.

My Christmas cactus!  I love her at this time of year when she gets her gorgeous blooms!

My Aloe Vera.  My roomate in college bought this for us back in 2004.  I left him with a friend for a couple of years in the Okanagan and he got HUGE!  He's very happy in the bathroom, I think he likes the moisture.

Between Two Lungs

"Between two lungs, it was released, the breath that carried me.  The sigh that blew me forward."

I was walking home today, plugged in to my music, Florence and the Machine came on and sang this to me.

It was perfection.  This song is everything that I am trying to do with my life right now.  To Breathe and keep moving.  To Breathe and let it all fall away.  To Breathe and be grateful.  To Breathe and be proud.  To Breathe and to share.

It Is Your Practice - a little tip for beginners

One of the most common comments I hear from beginners in the yoga studio is, I'm not flexible enough to do yoga.  This is such a huge misconception.  You do not need to be flexible to practice yoga.  Flexibility is one of the products of a regular yoga practice.

Another comment I often hear is, I'll never be able to do what you do or why can you do this and I can't.  There is one thing that I cannot stress enough when it comes to a yoga practice, just try your best, do what you can do in the proper alignment and above all STOP comparing yourself to anyone else.  And, if you want to see changes you need a consistent practice.  2 days a week will probably not result in many noticeable changes.  Now that doesn't mean that 2 days is not good for you but you need to practice consistently and constantly to really see changes.  In the past 28 months I have had a very steady practice of an average of 5 classes a week, which is why I think my poses have changed a lot.

Let me give you a little breakdown on how my Bikram yoga practice has changed since I first entered the studio in May 2009.  

• 28 months ago, I could not keep my arms straight and elbows locked through the entire Half Moon series.
• 28 months ago, I could not wrap my legs completely around each other in Eagle pose.
• 26 months ago, I thought my heart would explode out of my chest during the standing balancing series.
• 26 months ago, Camel pose made me feel sick. 
• 26 months ago, I had to walk my knees up to meet my head in Rabbit pose.
• 24 months ago, I could not kick my leg out in Standing Head to Knee pose. 
• 24 months ago, I finally learned how to breathe properly on the inhalation in Pranayama breathing.
• 20 months ago, I could not see my foot above my head in Standing Bow Pulling pose.
• 18 months ago, I could not wrap my arm around my back in Final Twist.
• 18 months ago, I could not sit with straight legs and a flat back in Stretching pose.
• 12 months ago, my elbows did not go below calf of my kicked out leg in Standing Head to Knee pose.
• 12 months ago, my chin never touched my shoulder in Standing Bow Pulling pose.
• 12 months ago, I could not meet my own eyes in the mirror.
• 8 months ago, I could barely kick my kicking leg forward in Standing Head to Knee pose, in order to keep my hips in one line.
• 5 months ago, I could not get into Fixed Firm pose for 5 classes.
• 2 months ago, I started feeling sick in Camel pose, again.
• 1 month ago, I could not keep my arms locked above my head in Half Moon.
• Today, I could not lock my knee in Standing Head to Knee pose. 

I didn't want this to be a list of things that I can't do in my yoga practice but I wanted to show that I have struggled, I still struggle, that our bodies change all the time and that EVERY BODY is different.

You may look around the room sometimes - you are hot, it's humid, sweat is in your eyes and you are struggling to keep your knee locked and your thigh contracted - you see people locking their knees, with what appears to be, such ease.  It's not.  It's not easy for any one.  You may think that the person next to you has a beautiful Standing Bow, I can guarantee you that 95% of the people who first try Standing Bow feel exactly the same way - that it is nearly impossible.  I know I did.

Stop comparing yourself to other people because your poses will never look like theirs.  You are unique and completely different to the person next to you.  Remember that walking into the hot room and practicing yoga is more than most people will do in one day.  Remember that you are there for yourself - be good to yourself, be gentle, be compassionate - if you can't balance one day, it just is and let it go.  Remember that if you don't understand something, ask questions!  Keep asking questions!  Ask different teachers the same question!  And above all, remember that it is your practice.  Do what you will, do what you can, try and simply get your ass to the studio.  The rest will take care of itself.

Pranayama Deep Breathing

Pranayama warms your body up from the inside to prepare you for the heat and the next 90 minutes.  This was a very difficult pose for me when I first started - 6 counts to inhale and 6 to exhale can feel nearly impossible when you first start.  All I can say here is try.  If you can only inhale 4 counts that's OK.  You will get stronger, your lungs will expand.  Just try.

Now, the "snoring sensation" that the instructors tell us to do is difficult.  For 6 months I was simply inhaling loudly through my nose.  Then I took a private lesson with Ida and in 10 minutes it made so much sense.  Essentially you are drawing the air in through the back of your throat instead of just through your nose.  If you have trouble with this, I encourage you to ask your instructors.  Ask a few different ones until you get it.

What I find just as important in Pranayama as the breathing is the foundation of your body.  You are standing in Mountain pose (Tadasana) before you begin the breath.  I find it very useful to plant my feet firmly side by side on the floor and distribute my weight evenly through the inside and outside of my heels and the balls of the big toe side of the foot as well as the little toe side.  Otherwise known as the four corners of the feet.  Contract your thighs, pull your knee caps up and make your legs strong.  Your legs and your feet are there to support you through the entire 90 minutes, so find them, engage them, become aware of them before you begin your practice.  Flex your glutes and push your hips just a little forward so you don't have a pronounced curve in your lower spine.  Extend your spine up - from you cocyx to the top of your head.  Lift up.  Stand proud.  Start strong.

When I clasp my hands and interlock my fingers, I like to interlock them with my dominant hand on top first and then during second set, I switch my grip.  I have switched my grip so often that I no longer know which is my dominant side.

Remember to suck that belly in!  This will increase your lung capacity.  And keep your eyes open the entire time or you will get dizzy.  Check in with your foundation every so often.  I like to do this because sometimes my feet start to drift apart or my thighs release.  Keep that strength in the lower half of your body - it will help you during the rest of your practice.

It took Mr. Iyengar 20 years before he could master the art of Pranayama ⁽¹⁾, so don't get discouraged.  Look at him now.







[1] http://www.iyengar-yoga.com/articles/yogatradition/trad4.html

Old Friends Warm My Heart

Today, I drove 45 minutes north of Victoria today to meet my oldest friend for lunch.  I have known this amazing woman since she was 3 and I was 4 and through, first, our mother's efforts and then those of our own have managed to keep this friendship burning strong over 26 years.

My earliest memories are of L and her sister, C.  We were very strong believers of faeries when we were little girls.  We used to lay out food for them and build swimming pools.  We would believe, and perhaps it was true, that the faeries would drink our water and eat our food.  L and I were obsessed with Barbie.  We had so many Barbies and could create stories for hours and hours on end, then one of us would get annoyed with the other and we'd storm off to our own homes, 3 doors down.  There was no doubt a few hours later we'd be back for more. 

When L was 5 her family left Victoria for Cumberland, a small town 5 hours north of Victoria.  We continued to see each other every summer.  I would go and stay with her family for a couple of weeks and then she would come down and stay with me.  We would spend hours on beaches collecting shells and stones and then hours by the little creek on her farm with her dad's hammers trying to smash open big rocks searching for quartz - we never did find any.

We grew and changed in completely different directions - one was the rebel, the other the dancer and athlete.  Whether it was our bond from childhood or whether it was just meant to be - we stayed close.  As we got older we stopped seeing each other every summer but we wrote letters and emailed.  Sometimes we went for months and months without any form of contact but the moment we saw each other again, it was like not a day has passed.

Today, we sat in the restaurant gabbing for 45 minutes before we could even think of ordering.  I can't think of anyone who knows so many different facets of myself - who has seen me grow and change and morph into the woman I am today.  She has been there for me through thick and thin - even though some years we lived on different continents.

Today, I am incredibly grateful to have this amazing lady in life.

Strength Fueled By Compassion

There is a teacher at my yoga studio who I admire greatly. She is a tough cookie and makes you work your ass off. She takes the time to get you into the proper set up in every single pose, she'll call you out if you aren't working to your potential. I remember her telling me in my first few months of practice about water and how you really should just sip your water and that, yes, your heart will be pounding fiercely by the time you are finished the first set of Standing Bow. Just breathe and stand still, she says.

She is also so very kind. She will tell the class to smile at themselves in the mirror. She will remind us constantly that we should have compassion for ourselves at the same time as kicking our heel forward in Standing Head to Knee.

I worked very hard in class this morning at the same time as being kind and gentle to my sore shoulder.

It reminded me that I need to stop kicking myself when I'm down. It reminded me to keep my head up. It reminded me that I am surrounded my supportive and caring people everyday - virtually and in person. It reminded me to have faith, have trust in myself and to know sometimes I need to just stand still and breathe.

To The Back of the Room

I practiced for the first time in over a week this morning. My mat went down in my old home when I first started practicing - the back right corner of the room, far from people's eyes. It actually felt good to be back there. I felt like I was in my own little world.

My shoulder was sore right from the beginning so I backed off completely. My Half Moon was either a one arm Half Moon or Tadasana (Mountain pose). Half Tortoise was Child's pose, Triangle was one armed, Balancing Stick was done with arms to my side. Not ideal, but I needed to be there. Mentally and emotionally I needed that focus.

It was difficult to shift my focus away from shoulder. Shifting away from the frustration of having a really sore shoulder. So, I focused on my feet. I was conscious of pressing the corners of my feet into the ground, so that even when my weight was back on my heels, my toes were planted on the floor. It helped.

My class was not as vigorous as it normally is. It felt rather therapeutic, calming. I was finding focus and strength in my alignment as opposed to doing the poses.

Oh boy, maybe this is what I'm supposed to be learning right now.

Yoga and Boxing

For the past 3 weeks I have been taking a boxing class 2 nights a week.  It is a non-contact, beginners class where we do hard core cardio training and learn proper boxing techniques.  I was super nervous when I started this class.  I am not a fighter (except with my brothers when I was younger) and I had no idea what to expect.  It turns out that there is a large range of experience in the class, from people who train with the coach on a weekly basis to people like me who have never put on boxing gloves.

Now let me tell you, these guys who box a lot - who have amazing technique and have arms that look like they could crush me - are scary looking.  They are tough, sometimes angry looking, whizzes on the jump rope and they look as though they are wondering what the hell I am doing in their boxing class.  This, my friends, is a perfect example of how appearances can be deceiving.  These guys are friendly, helpful, they give me tips and there is absolutely no judgment in class.

Hmmm, sounds like something else I do on a regular basis - Yoga!  No judgment.

When I first started Bikram yoga, I felt similar to how I felt in my first boxing class.  The yoga studio was
full of all these beautiful people, practicing these amazing poses, I was intimidated and unsure of myself.  But everyone surprised me and I was embraced and taught by not only instructors but also by my fellow students.

Yoga and boxing are also both all about proper alignment and proper form.  You don't want to go into Standing Bow with a wobbly knee and a loose arm, just like you should not throw a punch without your feet planted correctly and your gloves up by your cheekbones.  And breathing!  It is so very important to breathe in boxing.  With every punch you exhale through your mouth, just like the final breathing exercise (Khapalbhati) where you exhale hard while pulling in your stomach.

You only get better at boxing with practice, by learning the technique, staying focused and keeping positive.  I never would have thought I would be where I am today when I started my Bikram yoga practice a year and a half ago.  But I got here through hard work and a consistent practice.  Who knows maybe I will be boxer one day.

And the kicker?  I sometimes have a hard time getting to boxing class, it's after work, it's dark out, I just want to go home and veg.  But every time - by the time I'm done - I feel amazing. I feel empowered. I feel like I could take over the world.  That is EXACTLY how I feel when I finish a yoga class.

I never ever would have thought that such a sport would have similarities to yoga.  A sport that is aggressive and bloody and often consists of broken noses also has a calmness and a grace about it.  When I walk out of boxing class I find one more thing that reminds of my yoga.  It's no wonder people fall in love with boxing.

Throat Choked Feeling

You know that throat choked sensation you get in Standing Seperate Leg Forehead to Knee(Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Janushiransana) pose?  That feeling that makes you feel like you can't breathe?  That sensation that there is something wrapped tightly around your neck ready to choke every bit of life out of you?  Ok, maybe you don't.  But this is how I feel in this pose. 

I've had an issue with my neck and my throat for as long as I can remember.  I fall asleep with a hand up by my neck, just in case some psychopathic killer sneaks into my house in the middle of the night and tries to choke me.  I cannot fall asleep wearing necklaces.  Turtleneck sweaters freak me out and make me feel as though I'm going to suffocate.  Too much neck nuzzling makes me jumpy and ticklish.

When I first started practicing Iyengar yoga, 3 years ago, Savasana was the most difficult pose for me.  Lying still at the end of class for 5 minutes was nearly impossible.  I always felt as though some unseen force was pressing down on my throat.  It would get heavier and heavier until I would have to reach up with my hand and rub my throat.  One day I pushed through the feeling.  I lay there and concentrated on my breath and allowed the weight to come across my neck and just as I thought I was going to be suffacated by this unseen force, it melted off my skin like warm wax.  And from that point I rarely felt uncomfortable or panic when I lay in Savasana or went to sleep at night.

Until this week.

Suddenly, my favourite pose, Savasana, has become hell.  That feeling of creeping weight is back.  I stare at the ceiling and try to focus only on my breath.  It doesn't work.  I reach up and cup my hand around my neck just to make sure there is nothing there.

What the hell is this????

Does it have something to do with my throat chakra?  Some kind of connection with my growth in expressing myself since I've started Bikram yoga?  Is it to do with my thyroid gland and the fact that my metabolism and hormones are becoming more regular?  Is this the same kind of reaction that I go through with, for example, the Spine Strengthening Series?  Where for periods I love the poses, I am strong and willing and able and then this switches and I am in hate with every pose and I struggle both mentally and physically?

I really have no idea and am at a bit of a loss for why I have this affliction with my throat and my neck.  But as most of the yoga instructors say, "If you are struggling, that's a good thing!  It means your body is changing." So I'll take this in stride.  But if anyone has ever experienced this or has any opinion on why this would be happening, please share!

New Energy, Focus, Excitement

On Saturday morning, I walked into the studio for my private class with Ida Ripley.  I wasn't sure what I expected, but I wanted to learn - a lot.

I laid my mat down in the hot room - it seemed very large and foreboding with no one else in it.  I was nervous and unsure of how this class would go.  Ida walked in and immediately made me feel at ease.  She sat down with me and asked if I had specific poses I wanted to work on, any injuries or concerns.

It felt strange talking in the room that is strictly a no talking zone when practicing a regular class - a room I have only whispered in - a room where I have never heard my voice reverberate against the walls.  Ida encouraged me to talk at any point during our class with any questions or comments.  I knew then - I was going to love it.

In the first 10 minutes I could have walked out and felt satisfied.  I learned so much in the 2 hours I spent with Ida - I don't even know where to start.

We focused mainly on my alignment in poses.  And I worked - hard.

I learned how to really constrict my throat in Pranayama Deep Breathing.  How to make the noise in the back of my throat.  I had never understood how to inhale with my throat.  Ida had me kind of growl in the back of my throat - I felt like I was going to hoark something up.  After a few tries I finally understood how the noise is created when you inhale.  I understood how to constrict my throat and inhale through my nose without really inhaling through my nose.  I know it doesn't make sense and I can't really explain it but I can do it now!

I have been fighting with Standing Head to Knee for a few months now - gotten to where I have started bringing my head to my knee and then losing my balance and falling out.  I felt like I had advanced well but something was off. I knew my kicking foot was not straight - my toes were always leaning out but I wasn't sure what else was going on.  Well, that was just the start of it.  First we focused on my grip.  Ida had me loosen my grip and then press the heels of my palms to the sides of my feet, she then showed me how to lean forward more into the ball of my foot.  I had been keeping all of my weight in my heel.  I then squeezed my knee that was up in the air into my body and suddenly my hips and feet were in a straight line.  As I kicked my leg up, Ida told me to keep my upper body light that all the strength should come from my kicking leg.  My goodness, it was incredible - it was a whole new posture - the bottom half of my body really was solid, concrete - my torso and arms were light and airy - it was bloody hard! I think I tried Standing Head to Knee about 5 times on each side - I started getting dizzy by the end and had to have a rest.

In Standing Bow, I learned to contract my hips and to really stretch my arm forward.  I was always concentrating on the kick - I wanted to get that leg high up over my head but I could never ever balance.  Ida had me stretch - stretch - stretch my arm forward so that my shoulders were in line.  Chin up, leg locked.  The difference in my balance and strength was amazing.  I could feel so many more muscles in my body working and completely understood why the dialogue really emphasizes the stretching forward.

I learned how to stretch my stubborn hip flexor muscles in Tree by gently pushing my bent knee towards my straight knee, simultaneously lifting my hips and torso up.  Amazing.

Half Moon, Balancing Stick, Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee, the Spine Strengthening Series, Fixed Firm and Tortoise I was fairly confident with, have good alignment and a good understanding of the poses.
So we breezed through them with only one set. 

The two hours flew by!  I was exhilarated and energized when I left the studio and wrote down 5 pages of notes of tips and new discoveries I remembered.  I haven't written them all here - I am still marinating on the endless information I was given.  I am consciously allowing myself to explore my new yoga with a clear and fresh mind- with patience and precision.

If you ever have a chance to take a private class, it is SO worth it!  I have a renewed sense of passion and excitement for my yoga.  This morning I felt like I did when I first discovered Bikram yoga.  An awe and admiration for the practice.  I can't wait to get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning and practice again!

Sweat and Peace

This morning I practiced in the front row.  A couple laid their mats down next to mine.  They both had very well toned, defined muscles, it was very obivous they frequented a gym regularly. 

I was aware from the moment we took our first breaths that I was going to have to focus hard on finding my peace during the class.  They were constantly wiping sweat, taking swigs from their water bottles, wiping sweat, moving around between poses, wiping sweat, leaving the room.  I was willing them to stay still.  To breathe through the sweat dripping down their faces.  To focus on the moment.  I had to keep bringing myself back to my practice, back to looking at my own eyes and form in the mirror, to avoid catching them out of the corner of my eye.  I was eventually able to find my peace once we got to Balancing Stick pose.  I had a strong class and got a nice thumbs up from the teacher.

I hope to see them in class again with some new found stillness and composure.  And knowing that we all sweat in Bikram yoga.  Sweat is one of the best side effects from being in the hot room. 

The Power of Breath

This morning I forgot my water bottle!  I could not believe it!  I'd forgotten my double walled vacuum sealed stainless steel water bottle filled with a few ice cubes and Emergen-C!!!

After a moment of panic, I asked my teacher for a cup, bit the bullet and walked into the room.  Luck would have it or maybe it was meant to be but yesterday I had read Mary Jarvis' posting on Oh My Bikram about her view on water in class and decided to take her advice and focus on my breath.

At Party Time (the one official water break), I calmly stood on my mat and contemplated my cup of already warm water.  There was absolutely nothing appealing about it at all, I knew it was already warm and there was no flavoured goodness in there.  So I passed.  I didn't drink through the entire standing series, or when we hit the floor for our 2 minute Savasana.  I'm not saying it was easy, the cup was calling me, whispering into my ear, trying to convince me to just take one little sip.  By the time we pushed up to Fixed Firm Pose (Supta Vajrasana) my throat was very dry so I wet my lips and continued my practice.  Every so often my warm cup of water would start talking to me but I never drink water before Camel (Ustrasana) or Rabbit (Sasangasana) so I curbed my craving until after the final breathing.

I am absolutely amazed that I survived this class.  Not only did I survive but I was strong.  My breath was constant and focused, if I got nervous or anxious I would inhale and exhale deeply and it would calm me.  Who would of thought that it was really that easy?