So Close!

Last night, I touched my stomach with the hand that wraps around my bent leg in Marichyasana D!  So close!

After Harmony helped maneuver me into the asana the other week, I have been able to wrap my head or my arm, rather, around my leg to try to reach for the arm wrapped around my back.  It felt amazing having my hand actually touch a part of my body instead of floating around in mid air.  I needed a gentle pull to get my hands together but it was so much easier than before.  The first side is still much more open than the second side.  My right ankle has little tolerance for being compressed for so long.

I have started holding my floor poses for five to ten breaths recently.  It feels good and I seem to be able to check in with my body more effectively.

Oh and I was also able to hold the final lift, Utplutih, in the closing sequence, last night.  I held it for seven full breaths and was able to stay in Padmasana, which is typically what bothers my right ankle the most.

Via

I was a little worried when I switched from a Bikram practice to an Ashtanga practice, that my body and my heart would miss the backward bending.  Other than a little tweak to my lower back a few weeks ago, I feel amazing and am falling in love very quickly with this practice.

Scents and Memory

At the Ashtanga studio, the bathroom is down a hallway past different offices through the maze that is market square.  That hallway smells like the apartment that my Oma lived in Eindhoven, Netherlands.

It makes me happy.  It helps me remember.  It reminds me of who I am, where I came from and that I am loved.

Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss, from Happy Birthday To You

It appears I am on a bit of a Dr. Seuss kick.  But something about his words are so simple and so very profound.

Today, I was asked, how are you?  A girl who I chat to occasionally at the yoga studio asked me this question.  What amazed me by this question was that she meant it.  It was not a passing polite hello.  She actually stopped and took the time to look at me and ask me how I was.  It floored me because it isn't often we are asked this and we are expected to respond truthfully.  But it felt good to be asked and it felt good to be genuinely listened to by someone who doesn't really know me.  Even if it was just for a couple of minutes.  I really appreciated it.

Namaste. 

Body Image and Hard Work

Self esteem and body image are something I have struggled with my entire life.  As a little girl I had thick glasses that made my eyes look small and distorted my face.  As a pre adolescent I developed breasts much earlier than all of my friends.  I remember my mum constantly telling me to stop slouching - I wanted to hide my new forming body.  I was never a little girl.  My dad and my brothers are all 6'4".  I have my Dad and my Oma's body type - high waisted, slim, muscular legs and a tendency to gain weight around the middle.

I remember the day that I first felt even remotely pretty.  I was fourteen years old and my mum and dad finally said I could have contact lenses.  Mum and I were in the optometrist office and the doctor put the contacts in my eyes.  I looked at the reflection of my face for the first time - with no glasses or having to be three inches from a mirror and said, "I never knew I was pretty."  This was one of the best moments of my life - to be able to see my face with no distortion from glasses - to be able to see all of it clearly in one piece, not my eyes then my nose and then my lips, but my beautiful face all in one glance.

My weight fluctuated a lot during high school and I was never fully happy with how I looked.  I had my eyes and my face but was never very happy with anything else and I would never let anyone see me with my glasses on.  By the time I got to my early 20s I was busy traveling and I tried not to give it much thought - I pushed my weight and how I looked out of my mind most of the time but compared myself constantly to my friends and strangers around me and was never satisfied with what I saw in the mirror.

I moved back to my hometown when I was 25 with a broken heart, run down and 50 pounds over weight.  The main reason I had even come home was to have surgery.  I had been waiting for 2 years to have a breast reduction and I was going to have it no matter what.  I woke up from surgery a different person.  It was as though I had been in a deep meditation and life seemed clearer - I knew above anything else that I had to get healthy.  I started practicing yoga at home with a video and walking.  I was unemployed and healing so I couldn't do too much but the yoga helped me focus on something that wasn't my broken heart.  6 weeks into my unemployment I got restless and found a job.  My office was right next door to a gym so along with my yoga video every morning I went to the gym five days a week.  I started gaining confidence.  I lost fifty pounds.  Shirts that never would have fit me before the surgery fit like a glove.  I was full of energy and felt like Juliana for the first time in my entire life.

Then I met my LW.  He encouraged me to show myself off and not hide my body.  He would constantly tell me I was beautiful and sexy.  He made me feel beautiful when I was with him and I believed that he thought that I was beautiful.  Some days I would look in the mirror and be alright with what I saw but was never fully satisfied.

And then I discovered Bikram yoga.  I was exposed to myself completely in front of those mirrors.  I met myself head on with no excuses and no exceptions.  I went from wearing shorts and a tank top to shorts and a sports bra.  I moved from the back of the room to the front of the room.  I went from not wearing a bathing suit in public to baring every part of me in the BYS Yoga Competition.

About 6 months ago I looked in my bathroom mirror as I was getting ready to go out and I thought to myself, "I like what I see.  I like all of this.  I am beautiful." and I believed every word.

I can't say that I like my tummy every day of the week or that I am fully satisfied with my arms BUT I know that everyday I work hard at being stronger and I work hard at loving myself.  A year ago I couldn't do one full push up, now I can knock out 20 (I did just get on the floor and do them, I couldn't lie to you!).   It makes me fully believe that we can do whatever we want - we just have to believe in ourselves.

2 Year Yogaversary

Two years ago today, I entered my very first Bikram yoga class.  I was nervous, intimidated and felt completely out of place. During the class I thought everyone around me was absolutely insane. I was back the next day and the one after that and the one after that. During my 2 week introductory pass, I practiced 10 times. When my Oma passed away, 3 weeks later, I went to the hot room.  I've laughed hysterically in class. I've bawled my eyes out. I've gotten so angry I've wanted to chuck my water bottle at the mirrors.  I've been so distracted that I've gone through a class without hearing a single word the teacher has said. I've also been so focused that I felt like I rule the world.

I sat down the other day and wrote out every way that my life has changed since I started my Bikram yoga practice.

What has my yoga practice done for me?
- I am stronger.
- I am more flexible.
- I have more compassion for myself.
- I sometimes have less compassion for others. (I say this is a positive change because I have a tendency to want to help everyone and thus, get walked on by those around me. I have learned to stand up for myself just a little more.)
- I have more confidence.
- I have reshaped my body.
- I competed in the BYS yoga competition of 2010. Yes, I did. The girl who used to be so self conscious I would wear flowly, unflattering shirts to hide my body.
- I feel as though I am truly capable of anything.  I am a super woman!
- I have gained the confidence to try different workouts and sports.
- I feel like I belong to a community.  A community where I am completely welcomed with open arms and a place I can go whenever I want - no matter how I'm feeling or what frame of mind I am in.
- I am actively working on trying to find my inner peace when I get in stressful situations - sometimes it works better than others, but I’m aware of it now!
- I truly believe that yoga can heal the mind body and spirit.
- I believe that yoga is for everyone!  Fat, skinny, young, old, injured, in top physical shape, yoga can do nothing but good.
- I have quit smoking
- I am much more aware of how food affects the way I feel. Ice cream at 11 o'clock at night does not make for a good sleep!
- I no longer have constant lower back pain.
- I no longer have upper back pain.
- I don't have any more knee pain.
- I have better posture, most of the time. It's all about becoming aware. So that when I am slouching I realize it sooner than I would have pre-yoga
- I am less intimidated by beautiful people. Honestly this was one of the biggest hurdles I had about trying Bikram yoga.  The thought of putting myself next to these gorgeous half naked people intimidated the hell out of me. I was so worried that I would be judged or not accepted!  I realize now that no one is judging you in that room except for yourself and that it's time to let that go.  You are there being good to your self - that is all that matters.
- This is the first time I’ve ever had a passion for something - turns out this passion is for myself.
- To relax, has a brand new meaning.  When I relax, lay in the sun all day and read a book, I feel as though I am truly relaxed, there is a sense of peace that I never knew was there before.

Most importantly, I have learned that yoga practice is all about the journey.  It is about broadening your awareness of your self - there should be no judgment through this journey - you are awakening and learning every day - you learn from your teachers, your peers, your children, your partners - above all you learn from the most important person in your life - You!

Photo by the lovely SDP

I Heart Yoga

I seriously fell in love and was re stimulated again today.

I was tired.  My muscles fatigued quickly.  My eyes stung and I sat out a couple poses because I was worried about disturbing the healing process.  I looked myself directly in the eyes.  I breathed so deep that my breaths lasted longer than the 6 counts for Pranayama.  My hips felt better.  My back was sore.  There were a lot of new people in class.  There was a lot of chatter.  The soles of my feet hurt.  I felt a little soft from my overeating in the last week.  I felt like superwoman in Half Locust.  Savasana was Heaven.

And yet all of this didn't matter.  Because.  I loved every second of my class this morning.

First time in a long time.

The heat and humidity was just right.  My breathing was strong.  My legs were tired and alive.  My back was strong.  My eyes stung yet were healing.  My hips were open.  I looked at myself - fully - in the mirror.  I thought about nothing else.  I loved the sweat.  Half Locust was the best I'd done in ages.  Savasana was Heaven.

I loved every second of my class this morning.

A Little Thought

I had a little moment yesterday where this yoga competition came into full light for me.

I was thinking back to the training session we'd had on Wednesday.  Seven of us had gathered outside of our regular yoga practice times to go over the routine with Ida - a few of us had skipped out of work to be there, some had been at the studio all day and we were all there because we truly wanted to be. We are all so very different - we come from different backgrounds, we are different ages, some are teachers, some are students, some have been practicing a long time, one girl has only been practicing two months, we have different strengths, different depths of flexibility and different body types - and every single one of us was there supporting everyone else. 

There was no feeling of competition between individuals in the room - we were all supporting, encouraging and sharing tips with each other.  There was no animosity, no jealousy - only pure joy for what our fellow competitors could accomplish.

Being the center of attention is difficult for me at the best of times.  My face goes red, I get extremely nervous, I worry what other people are thinking and I stumble on what I want to say.  But on Wednesday, in that hot room, I was in one of my most comfortable, safest places that I have in my life and I found peace while I completed my routine in front of everyone - all eyes on me, center of attention, calm, collected and focused.  I have found my peace and my space.

Happy Holidays, everyone!  I hope you all have a wonderful rest with your loved ones. xoxo

Contentment

Wine - Argentinian Malbec. Music - Pink Floyd. Dinner - Roasted Veggies and Burgers. Friday Night - I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.

It's the simple things.

Security Blankets

As I lay in two minute savasana this morning, my mind drifted to how sad I would be if this one particular teacher moved on.  I find him comforting, down to earth and very approachable.  He is a constant for 2 hours out of my week and it helps keep me grounded.  This thought moved on to feeling the same way about the entire studio.  I often wonder how I existed without this studio in my life.  How I got through rough days before the hot room, the yoga practice and the instructors were there to open their arms to me.  The morning after I found out my Oma had passed away, I went to yoga.  It grounded me for that 90 minutes, it allowed me to take a break from my thoughts, my grief and it helped me just be in my moment.

I have other security blankets in my life: 

My "Didi", my baby blanket that my wonderful Auntie made me.  Didi moved out with me for the first time when I was 18, travelled around Europe with me, went to college with me, was my pillow for a year and collected many of my tears.  I still have Didi and I always will.

The movie, Almost Famous, is my most favourite of movies.  I don't know if it is the characters, the music, the
story, it is probably all of it combined but it has calmed me down many times.  When I've been too hung over to sleep I skip to my favourite scenes.  When I lived in a basement suite in a hundred year old house that had mice and rats, it accompanied me while I lay wide awake at night with all the lights on, listening to creatures running around in my ceiling and behind my walls.  I can nearly recite every line and have made my own soundtrack of the songs that were left out on the official movie soundtrack.  And somehow in a very round about way, I can totally relate to the character, Penny Laine.

I have been blind as a bat for as long as I can remember and would not be able to survive without my glasses.  I got my first pair when I was in grade one.  I still remember putting them on and feeling sick to my stomach.  The world suddenly looked very close.  There were very definite lines between curbs on the side walk and the road.  It took me a long time to get used to having my glasses, to being able to see properly.  I would often forget them and would have to struggle through my school day.  Now I am nearly 29, and I am always concerned that I will forget them or lose them.  When I pack to go away, they come with me in my purse.  I have extra contacts with me all the time and when I worked in the bush I would carry an old pair of glasses and extra contact lenses with me.  In a place unfamiliar to me I would have a horrible time finding my way.  My glasses and contact lenses save my life every day.

The house I didn't grow up in.  When I lived in Europe, my parents built a new house and moved out of the one I spent all my childhood years in.  For whatever reason it didn't bother me and when I walked into their new house for the first time I knew why, it felt just like home.  The warm comforting smell was the same.  The paintings were there, the Indonesian artifacts from my Opa, the couches we had sent from Holland, photos of the family.  There were new things too, the Dutch Delft tiles in the kitchen, the new paintings, new furniture.  I lived in that house for a few months here and there, it was never mine, there are no childhood memories that exist in the corners, they only exist in our memories, but when I walk into that home, I feel safe.


What are your security blankets?

Blissful Weekend

This weekend was full of gasps, laughs, giggles, loves, sweat and pinball.

Friday night, LW and I went to Cirque du Soleil's Alegria.  It was amazing and beautiful.  The clowns made me laugh.  The trapeze artists made my stomach turn with all their flips.  The contortionist ladies made my jaw drop, as they did backward bends I would not have thought possible.  It was truly money well spent.

Saturday morning I practiced yoga with a room full of newbies.  It was a free weekend at my yoga studio and I love practicing with Bikram virgins.  There's something exciting about being a part of a class where things don't go smoothly, where people leave the room and talk.  It tests your limits.  It wasn't as packed as some other free weekends I've been to but I would have to say more than half of the class had never practiced before.  I was up front and center and even though I felt strong, I was dizzy.  I kept getting white
spots in my vision and had to kneel down quite a few times in the standing series.  I have not sweat that
much in the longest time!  This rain we've been getting lately has made the studio much juicier.  I practically
fell on my head getting up after class from the excess sweat on my towel.

After I'd recovered from class, we wandered around downtown Victoria with our favourite little buddy.  He is 7 and was so very excited to come with us on our wanderings around town.  We went to the library, a toy store, a coffee shop where buddy boy had steamed milk with vanilla (he knew exactly what he wanted) and LW and I had americanos.  We, then, traipsed off to this video store that has old school arcade games.  There was frogger, pac-man and many more that I would have to get LW to name for you because one thing I am not is a video game connoiseur.  We played pinball, my favourite of all games.  It lasts just long enough to be fun but not too long so that it loses my attention.  It truly warmed my heart to spend the day with LW and his best buddy.

That night it started raining, and it rained and it rained and it rained.  It was the perfect excuse to stay in bed all morning Sunday.  To lay on the couch and drink coffee and watch The Sopranos.  To go out for a late breakfast when the rain had turned to a drizzle and then to come home again and cuddle back on the couch and watch more of The Sopranos.

I love these weekends.  These days that are completely mine.  These days that leave me feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

Love

I thought about many different insightful things I could write today, but you know, none of them seemed natural.  I thought of ways I could say this eloquently, poetically, with a song or a picture.  Nothing worked.  So I'll just say it.

I'm am so bloody happy to be apart of this community of yoga bloggers.  I love that you read my blog and comment and support.  I love how I feel I can do the same with all of you.  I love that I feel as though there are people around the world who empathize and sympathize and laugh and cry along with me - even though I've never met you.

Thank you, for reading and supporting.  It always means a lot.

LW showed me this one ages ago.  Just found it again today here.  I love it.