June 8, 2012

Taking It Off The Mat

Somewhere in the last 5 months yoga has become something I try to do everywhere, especially away from my mat. I don't mean asanas. I mean developing a firm strong mind. I mean being compassionate, happy, strong at the hardest times. I mean actively thinking the opposite when a negative comment pops in my head. I mean when my brain starts to spin out of control, to focus on my breath.

Oh my god this is not easy. Monday night I let myself crack. I sat on my living room floor bawling. And I don't mean no pretty Hollywood cry. I mean absolute grief and sadness. My brother came and literally picked me off the floor. It was symbolic I think. My little brother pulling me up. And the fact the entire time I was breaking down - Johnny Cash sang in the background - I felt like I was observing myself. I knew I just had to sit up, draw my shoulders back and take a deep breath but a part of me wanted this. Wanted to feel the pain physically.

And now as I sit in my car waiting to go see a man about a job - again - I desperately want to curl up into a little ball and cry. But if I let my intellect be present it only makes me realize that I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm letting my mind get the best of me and I'm letting my ego be bruised.

I just have to remember - as my teacher told me - one breath at a time, one step at a time.

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