Om Shantih, Shantih, Shantih.

Oh, how life has dealt me some blows in the last few months.

Through my tears, my sad faces, my anger I've managed to finally lay down a second a job and pick up some yoga classes to sub.

And through those days where all I want to do is pull the covers over my head, I get up, sit on my cushion and practice my pranayama.  Some days I get to the yoga shala.  Some days it's a half practice.  Some days my body aches.  Some days I touch my fingers in Supta Kurmasana with my ankles crossed.  There's progress even in the twilight - or maybe this is the sunrise. 

I find myself impatient with the human race.  Someone pointed out to me that maybe I am simply observing my own impatience with myself.  I opened my blue book this morning - my yoga book, where I write my yoga teachings - to read about the 6 enemies that cover the heart or the arishadvargas, according to Pattabhi Jois (as taught to me by my teachers, Jeff and Harmony Lichty).

1) Kama - desire
2) Krodha - anger
3) Lobha - greed
4) Moha - delusion
5) Mada - pride
6) Matsarya - jealousy

Pattabhi Jois is quoted to have said, "these are not external enemies; but in fact, all our external enemies are born from the arishadvargas, from the internal enemies, so that what we have inside us, what our heart says, is what we are forced to see outside."

So, for me this essentially means, what I see, what frustrates me, what saddens or angers me are mirror images of what exist inside of me - emotions that I need to let go of or become detached from.

Pattabhi Jois also explained that these enemies are destroyed through chanting mantras and through the practice of surya namaskaras (sun salutations).  The mantra he deemed the most important is the mantra from the Krsna Yajur Veda, which I refer to myself as the Bhadram mantra.

Om
Bhadram Karanedhih shrunuyaama devaah
Bhadram pashye-maakshabhir yajatraah
Sthirairangais tushtuvaagumsas tanubhih
Vyashema devahitam yadaayuh
Om Shanthi Shaantih Shaantih

(There is more to the mantra but this is the part I learned while in TT and it is short enough for me to repeat three times in the morning before my pranayama.)

It translates as,
"O gods, may we who are engaged in the pursuit of spiritual knowledge, hear only the auspicious with our ears, see only the auspicious with our eyes, not evil ones, please make my body strong and firm, so that I may have the power to speak only auspicious and divine things, and please make my words unwavering in their value."

I've combined two translations that I have because this is how it sits with me and how I feel it when I repeat this to myself in the mornings.

So this morning I tried to embark on the day with feeling no anger to any one person and above all to try to avoid reacting to anyone's emotions.  I think it was successful, I had to remove myself from a situation once in order to not take someone's bad day personally but I left my job today with no resentment, no annoyance and no anger.

It most definitely wasn't easy.  But nothing's been easy lately.  I might as well embrace it.  I've heard that the faster or more easily someone climbs, the harder they fall.  So maybe it's better that my climb is difficult.  Maybe one day I will land softly.

I hope everyone has a soft landing.

Om. Shantih. Shantih. Shantih.

Namaste.

Taking It Off The Mat

Somewhere in the last 5 months yoga has become something I try to do everywhere, especially away from my mat. I don't mean asanas. I mean developing a firm strong mind. I mean being compassionate, happy, strong at the hardest times. I mean actively thinking the opposite when a negative comment pops in my head. I mean when my brain starts to spin out of control, to focus on my breath.

Oh my god this is not easy. Monday night I let myself crack. I sat on my living room floor bawling. And I don't mean no pretty Hollywood cry. I mean absolute grief and sadness. My brother came and literally picked me off the floor. It was symbolic I think. My little brother pulling me up. And the fact the entire time I was breaking down - Johnny Cash sang in the background - I felt like I was observing myself. I knew I just had to sit up, draw my shoulders back and take a deep breath but a part of me wanted this. Wanted to feel the pain physically.

And now as I sit in my car waiting to go see a man about a job - again - I desperately want to curl up into a little ball and cry. But if I let my intellect be present it only makes me realize that I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm letting my mind get the best of me and I'm letting my ego be bruised.

I just have to remember - as my teacher told me - one breath at a time, one step at a time.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

First Classes Successful!

Wow, what a surreal experience.  I taught two classes on Thursday to two separate PE 12 classes.  First off, I don't think I've interacted with a teenager since I was in high school.  Second, they are so much younger than I ever felt at that age!  Third, they were there because they had to be so it was a little different then working with students in the mysore room who WANT to learn yoga.

My first class was bumpy.  I had nothing prepared  - I didn't know what to prepare, any time I tried to write up a lesson plan I felt lost so I decided I would just teach what I practiced.  Easier said than done when you've got 20 awkward teens trying to understand what you're telling them to do.  It was so much easier walking my brothers through a class.  I got a little lost and while I definitely kept my cool, I was unsure of myself and I finished the class 10 minutes early because my mind drew a blank.  I discovered the students really liked the balancing poses, they had fun with them, they hated downward dog - so much grumbling and I must admit this intimidated me a little bit.  I felt a little deflated after the first class but I gathered myself and took myself for a coffee armed with my David Swenson practice book and my notebook and made a lesson plan.  I wrote down the asanas in groups of three so that I could easily repeat three asanas again if I needed to extend the time.

For the second class I felt much more confident.  I was prepared and ready.  I took control of the class and joked about the complaining that a few of them did.  I took my time getting them to poses.  I added in Tree (Vrksana) and Warrior 3, which is similar to Balancing Stick in the Bikram class.  I actually didn't have enough time to finish everything I planned to teach.  I think that next time I will choose less postures and do them a couple times.  I want to stay true to the Ashtanga system but I also feel as though kids, who are being essentially forced to try yoga, need a little different approach.  I also need to find my footing as a teacher :)

If I already noticed a huge difference between the first and second class, just imagine what is to come.

YS 2:33

I'm nervous.  I feel like I did in university the night before a big exam.  I am the type of student who studies right from the beginning.  I don't cram.  I can't.  My brain will not process information that way and I get way too stressed out to retain any information.  Tomorrow I lead my first class.  I've been trying to study the asanas but I can't.  I am full to the brim with information and right now anything that I read will not stay in.  So I'm trying to chill out.  Relax.  I picked up my copy of Yoga Sutras and randomly opened it to Yoga Sutra 2:33.

Vitarka Baadhane Pratipaksha Bhavanam

When disturbed by negative thoughts, opposite (positive) ones should be though of.  This is pratipaksha bhavana.

Fitting, I think.

Namaste.

Sirsasana, Tapas and Fear

For the last week or so I am able to get up into headstand completely on my own, without Jeff or Harmony standing close by to catch me as my body wants to slam backwards onto the wood floors.  I have no love for Sirsasana.  It comes at the end of my practice when my body is tired and I just want to lay down in Savasana.   Placing my forearms on my mat at the end of practice; cupping my head in my palms; becoming so focused that all I am doing is breathing and finding a lift in my core; lifting my legs straight up into the air as I press into my forearms and find strength in my shoulders takes every ounce of focus that I have.  For at least a couple breaths I think of nothing except breathing and lifting.  My brain always manages to intervene on this intense moment by freaking out a little and going WTF are you doing here upside down!  But I feel - proud, is not quite the right word - accomplished, is maybe a little better. I have been putting in the effort and it is showing. 

One of the Niyamas that Patanjali lists in his Yoga Sutras is Tapas.  Tapas are a form of austerity or self discipline.  Tapas literally means heat and implies effort.  Tapas help lead us to self mastery (Himalayan Institute).  I feel as though every day since the beginning of January, I have been performing my tapas.  Every morning I wake and practice my pranayama, given to me by my teachers.  I chant before my pranayama - to some people this may sound strange, weird, crazy but it focuses me.  It gives meaning to my daily routine of pranayama.  It is acknowledgement to the greatness that exists all around us - within us.  It is truly a moment in my day where I simply sit with myself.  This focus on one of the Niyamas (observances) within the 8 limbs of Yoga is giving me a strength I didn't know existed within me.

This strength is being tested.  On Thursday I teach my first yoga class to a Grade 12 PE class.  Part of me is freaking the fuck out - when I let myself.  But I'm noticing a different part of myself that is becoming detached from this emotion - a part of myself that is acknowledging this emotion and trying really hard to just move on.  (Much easier said then done but this self is trying.)  I am also being given a brand new opportunity for work and this is making me extremely uncomfortable.  It is a risk - financially but mainly for my ego.  I feel as though I am trying to stand on my head in Sirsasana and Jeff or Harmony may or may not be there.  There may be someone to catch me if I lean too far in one direction and there may not.  The key thing is that I need to trust my own self - my own strength - my own inner light.  Sirsasana "literally turns your world upside down" (Yoga Journal) and probably helps you deal with the comfortable life you're used to living being shaken up and jostled about.

So between Sirsasana, Tapas and Fear, my yoga practice is lending a most welcome helping hand to this so called life of mine.  I am eternally grateful for my practice, my teachers and the life that I have.

*Disclaimer*  In absolutely no way has this new found trust in my yoga been easy.  It's taken me months to even venture forth and share any of what I've been exploring in the last few months on this page again.  This practice brings up a lot of crap - internal crap, external crap and just plain old crap.  It tests you, it teases you, it picks you up and hugs you and then promptly spits you back out again.  But it's teaching me to trust my self, to love my self and to be my self with no expectations.

Infinity and Constant Change

Life has been a consistent stir of change lately.  Feelings grabbing me and shaking me around.  Jobs being insecure.  Pranayama practice bringing me deeper - to what?  Seasons changing.  Sun coming out and making me hot.  Vivid dreams.  Random meetings of people I haven't seen in ages.  Being surrounded by people who get what I'm learning and experiencing.  Being surrounded by people who don't - understanding that it's all personal.  Having a shift in what I enjoy doing in my downtime - reading the Yoga Sutras before going to bed.  Going vegetarian.  Feeling older yet younger and more vulnerable at the same time.  Wondering what has brought me to this point - is it all Karma?  Trying to grasp for something tangible yet feeling as though what I am searching for is elusive and I should go with the flux and ebb of life.  Beginning to believe I've lived before.  Feeling as though I'm finally discovering what I've wanted to understand for years.  Having no clue how to discuss any of it.  It is simply happening to me and I feel this deep inner change occurring within me.  Deeper than my brain.  It's happening in my core.

Becoming aware that life is not about something holding you up - being reliant on one thing.  It's about holding yourself up and being fluid within the change that is happening within your life.  Accepting change and surrendering to  the power that exists within yourself and all around you.  Having faith.  "It's all happening."  It's constantly happening.  Constantly shifting.  Constantly evolving.  Focusing on being brave and shinning bright while my whole world is shaking up around me.

Yoga Sutra 1:33

Hello lovelies, it's been a while since I've even thought about venturing into this part of the web.  Since beginning my yoga training in January, I have learned so much or I guess more precisely I have been given so much knowledge and I am slowly letting it sink in.  I have been practicing 6 - 7 days a week and am in training Friday evenings, all day Saturday and all day Sunday.

I have also been struggling with letting go of this so called control we have over lives.  Yes, I can make choices as to what I do but if I learn to quiet my mind and listen to my heart these decisions seem to be a lot easier to make.  The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali have opened my eyes, my mind to many different thoughts.

Yoga sutra 1:33 is one that I think we should all follow, that would make our own lives a lot easier.

Maitrii karunaa muditopeksaanaam sukha 

duhka punyaapunyaa visayaanam 

bhaavanaatash citta prasadanam.

By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy,

compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous,

and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff

retains its undisturbed calmness.

My interpretation of this is to celebrate with those who are happy - be happy for them.  Show compassion to those who are having a hard time or are unhappy.  Appreciate the virtuous that you may encounter - try to learn from them.  And the last one and most important for me to remember in my own life - ignore those who do no good, who are cruel or wicked.  There is no sense in getting angry or trying to share some of your own thoughts with them, most likely they will not listen.  It is a waste of your own precious energy, it disturbs your mind and only causes you stress and unhappiness. 

 

It's In My Blood

Mum told me this morning that she practiced prenatal yoga with me while she was pregnant as well as post natal yoga with me as a baby.

I wonder if this is why I feel so at home on the mat?

Self Doubt

We all doubt ourselves on a daily basis.  Did I speak to my boss in an annoyed tone?  Did I make the right decision in going to law school?  Did I leave the oven on when I left the house?  They can be huge situations in which we doubt ourselves or tiny little nagging thoughts that represent a part of us that may be forgetful, scared or lazy.  This doubt is one obstacle that is placed in front of us when we have a practice.  Whether this practice be a yoga practice, a musical practice, a pranayama practice, a writing practice or a painting practice.  When we doubt ourselves we are less inclined to practice. 

In Sri Swami Satchidananda's translation of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, Sutra 1:30, it is stated that doubt is one the 9 obstacles that may restrict us from practicing.  I see this doubt as doubt of the self.  Doubt that what you are choosing to practice is not good enough or that you are not good enough, not smart enough, not flexible enough, not fast enough.  

I had this thought the other day in training during a discussion about Sankhya and Vedantic philosophy.  There we were all seated on cushions making notes in our books about Indian philosophy and I swear I felt like a deer caught in the headlights.  Words like monoism, dualism, Prakrti and Pushura bouncing off the walls and around my mind.  Trying to catch just a little bit of the conversation while it seemed that everyone else was having an easier time grasping the concept.  I gave up trying to follow the discussion at one point and my mind started berating me - informing me that I wasn't good enough to go through this training program that I would never understand Yoga philosophy and why in the hell did I even have a Yoga practice, what was the point?  I came home absolutely exhausted - mentally wasted.

The following day we discussed Sutra 1:30 and I felt clearer.  It was like this heaviness had been lifted from me.  I realized that this training that I am doing is an extension of my practice - an expansion of Yoga that takes me off of my mat and I was allowing my mind to distract me from my practice.

So, practice.  Practice your writing.  Practice your musical scales.  Practice your yoga.  Practice your singing.  Practice your gardening.  Don't stop.  Don't doubt.  Question but please don't listen to that nagging voice of doubt.  Listen to your heart.

P.S.  Bind in Mari D successful 2 days in a row! Heeheee!

Yogas Citta Vrtti Nirodhah

This morning I found a mantra that works for me.  Whenever my mind started wandering during my practice, I repeated to myself, Yogas citta vrtti nirodhah - To restrain the whirl pools of the mind is yoga (Yoga Sutra 1:2).  It simply popped into my head while I was practicing and it is the one Yoga Sutra of Pantanjali that I have been able to remember in Sanskrit.

As soon as my mind wandered to what I had to do during the day - what we were going to have for dinner, work, yoga training, my lack of a career, my inability to bind in Marichyasana D - I repeated this in my mind with real conviction and belief.  Now to say that this worked is just me telling you it did but I have actual proof.  As I reached Marichyasana D I kept repeating my mantra while slightly smiling so that I was focused and in a decent frame of mind.  I went into the asana with no expectation on the second side and what do you know I actually was able to clasp each hand, bind and hold the asana for 7 breaths without an inkling of pain in my right ankle!  I can tell you that at that moment I broke into a real, genuine smile - it was a moment of pure bliss.  The moment I chose to let go and just be was when what I have been striving for actually surfaced.

Now we'll see if I can do it tomorrow :-)

Namaste.

Smile

Today I smiled through my practice.  I tried to invite love into my practice and tried to send love into my self.  When the going got tough, I smiled.  I lifted the corners of my lips ever so slightly and breathed.  The lift that I physically created in my face helped lift my core, my chest and my spirit.

When I reached Mari D - which nearly brought me to tears yesterday - I had a little pep talk with my self and the yoga.  I decided that I was going to choose to love Mari D, no matter what it looked like or felt like on any given day.  There will be no more forcing, no more roughness.  There will be no more dislike of the asana - I don't think that negative energy is helping my right hip, knee or ankle release any faster - there will be no more impatience.  I will be gentle, I will accept it for what it is and I will smile and breathe.

Namaste.

Gentle Breath

It was lovely to be back in a class setting this morning.  The sound of others breathing, the movement of peoples bodies and the smell of the subtle incense helped me to find my focus.

Three words that Jeff said to me this morning that I will try to bring forward into my practice everyday.

Breathe.

Smile.

Gentle.

Gentle. 

Smile. 

Breathe.

Smile. 

Gentle.

Breath.

Breath.

Gentle.

Smile.

Short Update

It's like I'm being tested this last week and a half.  After the welcome yet overwhelming information last weekend, I have been unable to get to the yoga studio.  The first couple days were out of choice, I was happy to be home.  Then the following days were a struggle.  It was snowy and icy and I did not want to drive.  Then finally on Saturday, I was excited to start my week with a full primary led class on Sunday.  But I went to start my car on Saturday to head downtown and my car was dead.  So instead of practicing this morning at the studio, I did a very short practice of the opening series and the closing series before I dealt with getting my car to the mechanic.

My asana practice may have been a little wonky this week but I'm learning the peace invocations, I can almost chant them from memory.  And my introduction to pranayama has continued.  Nothing to complain about, really, it's just different.  I am really looking forward to walking into the studio on Tuesday.

PJ Yoga

I practiced in my pajamas this morning. I made no promises that I would complete my full practice. I simply started with the sun salutations and allowed myself the choice of whether or not I wanted to do the next asana. It worked. It took the pressure off. It kept me focused. The practice of chanting and pranayama was still there but it was as though it was casual Friday.

And Now The Other Side

I haven't been to the yoga studio since Sunday.  Normally - when Victoria has not been hit by snow and there is no ice on the roads and I don't have to sweep snow off my car at 5:30 in the morning - I would have gone to two morning mysore classes by Thursday.  This morning, I did not want to do anything.  I enjoyed my chanting and my preparation for pranayama - probably because they are so new - but my asana practice was rough.  The entire time, from my first Surya Namaskr, my mind would not shut the hell up.  It just kept trying to convince me that I did not want to practice.  This is when being in a class with other people and a teacher is so very helpful.  There's peer pressure to keep moving, to keep going.  I closed right before Marichyasana A.  I was done.  I rested in child's pose after Savasana, that seemed to help ground me.

So whereas yesterday I was in love with the fact that I could create my own practice in my own living room without the need for a teacher.  Today would have been the perfect day to have someone gently coax me forward.

There's always two sides to the story.