February 15, 2010

Too Much To Prove

Monday morning 6am class, is ALWAYS a challenge.

No matter how well I sleep, how hydrated I am, Monday mornings knock me down.  Mondays also consist of one of my favourite teachers and I always want to do well to show them how I am improving.

I know this yoga should be about me.  This is my practice, my time, my experience, but the little girl in me pipes up and says, "Look! Look at me!"

This morning my knee hurt, for no reason, I'd had a horrible nightmare right before waking up, and just had the all around Mondays.  I couldn't decide where I wanted to lay my mat and didn't talk to anyone.  My practice looked fine as I sweated for the 90 minutes, I was able to do the poses to my regular depth but I was just going through the motions.  In my mind I knew I could do better.  I wasn't really present.  I struggled and was frustrated with myself and my inability to just be in the moment.

I almost always leave Monday morning class feeling this frustration.  I am not sure whether it is because I set myself up for this by telling myself, "this Monday will be a good class!" or if it's just the way of the world and the weekend is over and my routine must start again.

And so I've decided that on Monday mornings, I am going to try to be inconspicuous.  I will find myself a quiet little corner in the studio where I can observe myself in the mirror but where I am not in the front row, where I am not in direct sight of my instructor.

Mondays will be a fresh start where I will allow myself the forgiveness to be a little tired and to start the week on a good note.

1 comment:

Yolk E said...

Oh, I totally get the "Look at me" voice that pops up within us. We so want to be recognized for our progress, for our postures. It's normal, I think, so long as we are careful not to do the class solely focused on getting teacher's attenion. But, yay , external motivation!`