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June 11, 2010

Yesterday

Yesterday, 6 am class, I was emotionally spent.  First thing in the morning I was exhausted.  I have spent the last month thinking about June 10th, the day my Oma passed.  I was unable to use my yoga wisdom and live in the moment, I remembered, I cried, I wrote, I laid in bed not wanting to get out and I lived my everyday life with this emotional weight hanging over me.

Yesterday, the day I had been anticipating finally arrived.  I walked into class and struggled.  My mind was not in the room.  My mind wanted to cry, to scream, to talk, to laugh.  I sweated and did the poses.  I pushed hard in Standing Bow, I sat out a set of Triangle, I had a hard time breathing during Separate Leg Head to Knee.  When I landed on the floor, panting, desperately wanting class to be over, I was done – over done.

Yesterday, I truly understood how your mind can affect your physical power.  Full Locust - the pose where you lie on your stomach, arms stretched to the sides, legs and hips tight and you lift your entire body off the floor using only the strength of your middle back -  is difficult at the best of times.  Finding that place in your brain that will trigger those nerves and muscles and tendons in your middle back – a part of our body that we rarely use to its full potential -  to lift your arms, legs, chest, head off the floor like an airplane.  I could not even think about trying to find that part in my mind that would access the nerves in my brain to connect to my middle back to lift, even, my arms off the floor.  I just lay there.  Body not moving.  Done.

Yesterday is now over.  I had a cuddle, a cry, a yoga class and a good sleep.  I spoke to my Dad, who made me feel better.  Today is a new day.  It is Friday.  I get to go home and have a glass of wine.  I have a weekend of yoga and love and comfort ahead of me.  And I leave the mourning behind me.  I live in the moment.  I live with happiness, with wonderful memories, and with no expectations or anticipations.  At least for today.  :-)

3 comments:

bikramyogachick said...

Have a wonderful weekend....it's very well deserved!
**hugs**

Yolk E said...

anniversaries can be so tough. I believe pretty firmly, though, that yoga helps wring that sadness out of us so that we can function more fully in the here and now. Very interesting and well-expressed point about full locust. I definitely know the feeling of being "done."
hugs...
E

Lorrena said...

Hugs to you, J! See you soon!