July 27, 2010

If you can, you must! But today I won't!

We've all heard the teachers say, "If you can, YOU MUST!".  But what if you just can't?

This morning, I lay on my sweaty mat in a heap of tears.  My teacher had corrected me on Seperate Leg Head To Knee and I got so frustrated because no one else has ever pointed out to me that my hips are out of line.  I didn't understand because I often get,"good job with your hips in line, Juliana!"  I had no idea what she was talking about. Her words made absolutely no sense to me. 

Now, in a normal situation - when I am emotionally stable - when I haven't had a nightmare a few hours previously - when I am not losing my voice - when I have not been dealing with allergic reactions to who knows what - I would have filed the teacher's comment away, made a mental note and asked after class.

Not today.  Nope, I burst into tears. Quiet tears, mind you.  But I felt my emotions start to bubble severely out of control.  I didnt' give a crap about Tree or Toe Stand - I just wanted on the floor.  But the floor did nothing to ground me.  My tears just started pouring.  I lay there during the Spine Strengthening Series with my arm over my face letting my tears collect in the pools of my sweat.  I kept thinking to myself - I can do this.  Physically I know I can do this.  I can lift my legs.  I can tilt my head back.  I can lift my whole body off the floor.  Mentally, there was no bloody way. 

So I said to myself, "Fuck this yoga shit." and walked out of class.  I wrapped myself in my towel, collapsed onto the change room floor and cried giant helpless tears.  I, then, gathered myself up and got my tired emotionally wrung out body home to start my day.  I thought I would feel exhausted all day but so far so good.

Maybe those tears on the mat were more effective than the tears I have been crying lately.  Maybe those sweaty tears have more meaning to me and will help me make the changes I need to make.  Maybe I have been trying to be so in control in everything in my life that I had to be out of control in my yoga to realize that it's OK to be a little confused, to be a little lost, to not be perfect.

And back I will go tomorrow.  And I will ask the teacher before class to watch my hips for me.  And if I have to cry again, I will.  But I really don't want to because I really don't like leaving the hot room...


catherine said...

Yoga helped me get through a terribly rough period in my life a couple years ago. Exorcising demons, and all of that. I came across this quote while I was still in the thick of it:
"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea."

Sounds like today, you had the first two working. It's good to hear, too, that you've been feeling OK since class. Hopes that tomorrow goes better. :)

catherine said...

P.S. That quote is from author Isak Dinesen.

Lacey said...

Lady J- your words could not have come at a better time for me. My last class of last week was on Thursday and I cried through the whole spine strengthening series. It was awful. So I empathize with your plight. Yoga is so cleansing in every way, so I always take it that if I have a cry during class... I probably need it more than I need the yoga.

Lorrena said...

With this I give you a big's good that you let it all out and you felt better after class. I will be thinking of you...

Lady J said...

Thanks ladies!
I think that I really truly needed that cry yesterday. I feel better for it now:) And it is always nice to know you're not alone in this.

anna said...

Something I learned at training was that sometimes you have to let the class pass you by and tend to yourself.

The hips thing will work itself out.