Find What Works For You and Put The Ego To Rest

There's been a lot of talk going around the yoga blogs in the past couple of days regarding an article featured in the New York Times Magazine - How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body. 

The essay recounts many examples dating back to the 1970s of documented cases where yoga practitioners have seriously injured themselves - usually while practicing headstands, shoulder stand and deep back bends.  Some of this seemed over the top and the numbers collected from the Consumer Product Safety Commission that 'showed that the number of emergency-room admissions related to yoga, after years of slow increases, was rising quickly.' seemed relative to the rise of the actual number of people who have started practicing yoga in the last few years.  Business is booming thus more injuries will occur.  The only part of the essay I found relevant was a quote by Glenn Black, ‘Asana is not a panacea or a cure-all. In fact, if you do it with ego or obsession, you’ll end up causing problems.’

This truly resonated with me yesterday.  There I was in class trying to get into Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana.  I could get into it three weeks ago - was even binding properly.  But it's been hurting, I could really feel it my knee yesterday morning.  I knew I should have just done the modification and moved on but I wanted to try.  Jeff walked up behind me and told me not to strain my knees.  I came out immediately.  One thing I do not want to do is hurt my knees.  So I swallowed my ego and asked for a modification in Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana.  Honestly, I've been putting this off.  I really want my right leg to cooperate and fold neatly and painlessly into half lotus.  Being called out on it really brought me back down to Earth.

I think there is a huge misconception that yoga is all about flexibility - that it's all about the end result - the beautiful asanas that are possible.  It is very easy to fall into this mind frame when you watch endless videos of perfectly performed asanas or when you observe other people in your class who may be very experienced or are blessed with a flexible spine.

In my oh so humble opinion, yoga is very much about releasing what we do with our bodies.  It is about accepting what we do and moving on.  It is about finding focus and oneness with our bodies, minds and breath.  It is about releasing all those things that are created in our minds to trick us and stress us out.

I have just started really becoming aware of that voice inside of me that says, 'I want to put both my feet behind my head!' or 'I want to be able to float back gracefully in my Vinyasas.'.  There's absolutely no doubt that I do want this but not being able to do these things does not in any circumstance mean that I am not practicing yoga - that I am not as 'good' as a practitioner who can perform these asanas.   Kino MacGregor puts it well, 'Physical form and posture, although extremely useful along the way, are not the end goal of yoga. It simply does not matter whether your hamstrings are long or your body is toned if you are not able to be a nice person. Alternatively a person practicing the most basic and beginner level of yoga while maintaining a heartfelt devotion to living a more peaceful life is perhaps a very accomplished yogi.' 

Back to the subject on hand, can you hurt yourself while practicing yoga?  Of course you can.  You will push yourself while you practice.  You are getting to know your body and it's limits.  And like any relationship there will be pain and there will be tears as you get to know each other and as you heal.  BUT you need to be well aware of the difference between pain and discomfort.  When something hurts so much that it takes your breath away or makes you cringe, stop!  Ask your teacher.  Be honest with yourself.  If you find your questions are not being answered ask again and then ask again.  Read.  Do research.  You do have a teacher but you are also your own teacher.  If something doesn't feel right about a class, ask questions.  If in your heart you don't like the person you are learning from find someone else.

Yoga is about personal growth, if you choose to ignore something that is going on for you in your body you are most likely ignoring something that is going on in your life.  Be honest with yourself.  Practice with mindfulness.  Be present and don't ever ever be afraid to ask questions. 

My Ego

I have just, in the last few months, started becoming very aware of my ego in my yoga practice.  I think it began when I hurt my shoulder and I could not complete a Bikram class to what I guess you could say is my full potential.  My Half Moon Pose was only a Quarter Moon because there were no arms in the air.  I took this really hard.  I was very frustrated.  I hated it.  I felt defeated.

A teacher mentioned to me a little while ago that there are no modifications in yoga.  You go to your 100%, there is no modification, simply try to your ability.  If you can't kick out in Standing Head to Knee for a while, that is OK, it is your 100% and that is all that matters.  I like this because modification sounds to me like a crutch or an excuse which have negative connotations associated with them.  YOUR 100% is exactly that, the space you can go at that moment to the best of your personal ability.  Because yoga is exactly that.  A personal practice.

I am trying to carry this thought into my own practice.  I will do my 100% in my practice and it doesn't matter what it was the day before, the week before or what the person next to me is doing.  As long as my alignment is correct and I am focused and trying, it is all that matters.

Because of this, I have lost all interest in competing in the next Yoga Asana Competition.  I know that some people say that the competition is not about judgement and it's not about competition but, to me, it is.  You are getting scored on your performance in your asanas.  You feel external pressure.  There is bull shit about which poses are allowed to be performed and which ones are not and the more difficult they are, the more amazing people think that you are.

When I was training for last year's competition I started getting really hard on myself.  I did push myself hard, which was good, but I also became critical.  I don't like this criticism.  I know I could work on not criticizing myself but I would rather focus on my complete practice than trying to get the highest marks that I can in certain poses.

I'm not saying that no one should compete.  I think for some people it's great.  But for me, it does not belong in my yoga practice.

One thing it did teach me, though, is that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought I was - mentally and physically.  The competition last year allowed me to find a drive inside of me that I never knew existed.  Since the competition, I have pushed myself harder, physically and mentally than I ever have in my entire life.  

My yoga is where I am discovering myself and letting the critique into my yoga practice is not doing me any favours.  I am trying to leave my ego behind when I step onto my yoga mat.  I want my yoga to be my peace.