May 18, 2010

Emotions on the Mat

This morning, as I came out of Eagle pose, I fell onto my mat in a great heap of emotions.  The twisting and squeezing of my joints had brought a memory forward into my conscious mind.  I remembered getting home from yoga one evening, there was a message on my phone – it was Dad.  All he said was, “Jewl, give me a call, please.”  I knew immediately.  Oma had passed.

I relived that moment this morning – that moment of utter denial – of complete acceptance – a moment where I experienced the deepest sadness I had ever felt in all my 28 years – I relived that moment right there on my yoga mat.

Peter came over right away and opened the side door.  Fresh air flooded over me and I was grateful that he understood something deep was happening.  The cool air pushed away the tears and I was able to get up and continue my practice.  I experienced a compassion for myself this morning that I have never before felt in my yoga.

As I left the studio, Peter asked how I was.  He told me he’d never seen such emotion on my face and knew right away it wasn’t the poses.  I was very glad that an instructor who knew me was teaching this morning.  It made the room feel even safer.  As I drove home the tears started to fall in an abundance of emotions.  Sadness.  Happiness.  Relief.  Sympathy.  Empathy.  Loneliness.

This morning made me realize how thankful I am to have my practice – to have compassionate instructors – to have compassion for myself.

I am also deeply and incredibly thankful that I had such a wonderful relationship with my Oma and that even during the heat of my yoga, I never forget her.


bikramyogachick said...

It really does make a difference when the teacher understands you and your practice. His compassion for you in your moment of intense emotion was incredible. He sounds like an awesome teacher.
So sorry you had to experience the sadness all over again....yet I know that the sadness never really goes away, it just gets buried under layers of the sands of time...

Yolk E said...

Wow, that's pretty powerful, J. And to have that moment in Eagle is so atypical, it' no wonder your teacher noticed. Still, it shows his attention to detail. I'm glad you've got such nurturing teachers, but I'm sorry you've been going through such tough times.


Lady J said...

Thanks ladies. I think all these emotions I've been feeling have been good for me. My yoga has helped me deal with them:)
Thanks so much for your support!