Emotions on the Mat

This morning, as I came out of Eagle pose, I fell onto my mat in a great heap of emotions.  The twisting and squeezing of my joints had brought a memory forward into my conscious mind.  I remembered getting home from yoga one evening, there was a message on my phone – it was Dad.  All he said was, “Jewl, give me a call, please.”  I knew immediately.  Oma had passed.

I relived that moment this morning – that moment of utter denial – of complete acceptance – a moment where I experienced the deepest sadness I had ever felt in all my 28 years – I relived that moment right there on my yoga mat.

Peter came over right away and opened the side door.  Fresh air flooded over me and I was grateful that he understood something deep was happening.  The cool air pushed away the tears and I was able to get up and continue my practice.  I experienced a compassion for myself this morning that I have never before felt in my yoga.

As I left the studio, Peter asked how I was.  He told me he’d never seen such emotion on my face and knew right away it wasn’t the poses.  I was very glad that an instructor who knew me was teaching this morning.  It made the room feel even safer.  As I drove home the tears started to fall in an abundance of emotions.  Sadness.  Happiness.  Relief.  Sympathy.  Empathy.  Loneliness.

This morning made me realize how thankful I am to have my practice – to have compassionate instructors – to have compassion for myself.

I am also deeply and incredibly thankful that I had such a wonderful relationship with my Oma and that even during the heat of my yoga, I never forget her.