For the past 4 weeks I have been very careful with how, what and when I've been eating. Breakfast is normally oatmeal with fruit and flax seeds. I have a snack a couple hours later of carrots and a homemade date ball. Lunch this week was chicken breast with a little brown rice and salad and then an afternoon snack of tuna, spinach and salsa. And dinner varies but is always a protein with a salad.

Last night was my 'cheat night'. I decided I was going to make homemade carbonara. I hadn't had pasta for quite awhile, especially for dinner. And of course I had to buy white wine to make the meal. I should've known - I secretly did - that some of that wine would be sipped on as I cooked. The meal was - alright. I enjoyed my salad much more. The pasta did little to satisfy whatever I thought I was craving. I know it wasn't the best carbonara I've ever made. I felt disappointed by the meal and then accepted chocolate on our after dinner walk, thinking it would make up for it all.

Turns out, I had the worst sleep ever. I felt restless even when I was sleeping. When LW climbed into bed I think I was grumpy and maybe rude.

Moral of the story? Well, my body is obviously enjoying my clean eating very much. My taste buds have totally changed, salads are better than heavy, bacon filled pasta. I like cauliflower rice instead of real rice.

I think I'm really becoming more aware of what my body needs and what my body doesn't. And I'm trying to disassociate the idea that a treat or a reward has to be a rich, heavy meal.

I'm sitting here, early Saturday morning, contemplating my relationship with food. For me it has never just been a fuel. Food was something you shoved in your mouth as fast as you could before your brothers or dad ate it all. I always try to eat my meals slower than LW and I can count on one hand how many times that has happened. The first time I ever reached for food for comfort was when I was 11 and my Opa had passed away. I remember clearly going to the chocolate ice cream in the freezer and eating because I didn't know what else to do.

Food has always been something I've struggled with. I can go to both extremes where I can eat way to much when I'm happy or depressed to eating nothing when I'm stressed out. I think I'm starting to find a happy balance between the two - it only took me 30 years.