August 30, 2011

I Am Still Alive

I've been away.  I've been hiding.  I've been avoiding this space that I use as an outlet.  Why?  I don't really know.  I'm unemployed and my days consist of yoga, working out, cycling and getting dinner ready for LW when he comes home from work.  Doesn't sound awful, does it?  No definitely not, and I can't say that I hate it.  But I most certainly feel like I am hanging in limbo, that where I am as I near closer and closer to my 30th birthday is kind of - pathetic.  Now, yes, I know this is so not true.  That I have done a lot of things in my 20s.  Traveled and lived in Europe; went to college and studied forestry; studied and graduated with a diploma in GIS by correspondence while working a full time job; lived in the Rocky Mountains; lived in the Okanagan; worked an amazing summer in Nova Scotia; picked grapes in France; lived in Edinburgh; and met amazing friends that are too far away for my liking. 

I am not ashamed nor do I regret any of these things that I've done and accomplished in my life but I am not where society dictates I should be.  And I hate that this is what I am thinking about because ever since I was 14, I rebelled against anything that I should be doing.  No top of the line clothes for me - I dressed in long flowy hippy skirts, made hemp necklaces and went against most everything the majority of the people in my high school did.  Why?  I don't know.  I didn't go to university until I had traveled and explored and got the wanderlust, mostly, out of my system.  I'm so happy I did that.  I don't regret anything I've done but, boy, do I kick myself for some of the mistakes I've made.  They mostly have to do with money and my respect or disrespect for it and how I chose to handle it.

So I'm trying to look at this bout of unemployment as a huge life lesson for me.  One thing about me is, I love to shop.  I love clothes.  I have not bought myself anything that has cost me more than $10 since June 30th.  I pick something up I want and I actually weigh it out, do I need this or do I want this?  My Mum has been trying to teach me that since I was 14 years old - 15 years later I am finally catching on. 

I find it interesting how I discovered amazing self discipline when I went to college for Forestry - I amazed myself and my parents at how good I was at school and studying.  The self discipline then carried through to my health - I lost 50 pounds through devotion to exercise and diet, which has now carried on through my yoga practice and is the way I live my life.  I am just now discovering this discipline when it comes to material items.  Ha!  Come to think of it I didn't become a shopaholic until I lost the weight and clothes actually fit.  Now, there's a double edged sword.

A couple weeks ago, my brother passed on this blogger to me.  James Altucher is an interesting man and I like how he writes.  I don't agree with everything he says but what I get the most from his blog is that you need to take control of your own life.  There's no point just letting it happen - make it happen.  It's not gonna be easy but why not spend your time trying and maybe failing or falling (Standing Bow!) and getting back into it - at least you did the best you could.  Altucher talks about a daily practice that consist of four things; Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual.  The one that is the biggest challenge for me is the mental.  I need to re discover my creativity, to develop new ideas, to come up with something unique. 

So I'm going to start with this space.  This space is going to be an outlet and I am going to write something unique here every day.  It may be about yoga, it may be about food, it may be just a giant purge which I did today.  I am giving myself permission for this blog to no longer be just about yoga but about what ever I feel I need to discuss.  It may not be pretty but this is where my daily practice is going to begin.


Yoga Mum said...

You are beautiful, you are unique, you have done and learned many things. The learning and doing never stops. It ebbs and flows. Like breathing in and out, and you can direct that flow to whatever you want in your life. You are beautiful, you are unique.

Yolk E said...

Thank you for posting, J. I think you and I have a lot in common. Among other things, I just turned 30 and can't help examining everything I've done and desperately trying to figure out what I want to do. And I'm in a phase, too. I don't want to post right now--my thoughts just aren't for public consumption.

take care and best wishes for your daily practice!

Vince said...

the mental?

write on this thing everyday.
list everything that comes across your mind.
I think my favourite is something I'm trying now: list off ten things you did yesterday. that'll exercise your brain

Little Piggy said...

i am so very glad you are back. if only you, E, Cath, and I lived in the same coast and dish out over tea.

kinda loving that you're gonna write everyday, no matter what it's about. summer's such a dry spell for the blogging world and i no longer mind that it's almost gone because that means my reading pile is getting fuller again.

welcome back :)