Body Image and Hard Work

Self esteem and body image are something I have struggled with my entire life.  As a little girl I had thick glasses that made my eyes look small and distorted my face.  As a pre adolescent I developed breasts much earlier than all of my friends.  I remember my mum constantly telling me to stop slouching - I wanted to hide my new forming body.  I was never a little girl.  My dad and my brothers are all 6'4".  I have my Dad and my Oma's body type - high waisted, slim, muscular legs and a tendency to gain weight around the middle.

I remember the day that I first felt even remotely pretty.  I was fourteen years old and my mum and dad finally said I could have contact lenses.  Mum and I were in the optometrist office and the doctor put the contacts in my eyes.  I looked at the reflection of my face for the first time - with no glasses or having to be three inches from a mirror and said, "I never knew I was pretty."  This was one of the best moments of my life - to be able to see my face with no distortion from glasses - to be able to see all of it clearly in one piece, not my eyes then my nose and then my lips, but my beautiful face all in one glance.

My weight fluctuated a lot during high school and I was never fully happy with how I looked.  I had my eyes and my face but was never very happy with anything else and I would never let anyone see me with my glasses on.  By the time I got to my early 20s I was busy traveling and I tried not to give it much thought - I pushed my weight and how I looked out of my mind most of the time but compared myself constantly to my friends and strangers around me and was never satisfied with what I saw in the mirror.

I moved back to my hometown when I was 25 with a broken heart, run down and 50 pounds over weight.  The main reason I had even come home was to have surgery.  I had been waiting for 2 years to have a breast reduction and I was going to have it no matter what.  I woke up from surgery a different person.  It was as though I had been in a deep meditation and life seemed clearer - I knew above anything else that I had to get healthy.  I started practicing yoga at home with a video and walking.  I was unemployed and healing so I couldn't do too much but the yoga helped me focus on something that wasn't my broken heart.  6 weeks into my unemployment I got restless and found a job.  My office was right next door to a gym so along with my yoga video every morning I went to the gym five days a week.  I started gaining confidence.  I lost fifty pounds.  Shirts that never would have fit me before the surgery fit like a glove.  I was full of energy and felt like Juliana for the first time in my entire life.

Then I met my LW.  He encouraged me to show myself off and not hide my body.  He would constantly tell me I was beautiful and sexy.  He made me feel beautiful when I was with him and I believed that he thought that I was beautiful.  Some days I would look in the mirror and be alright with what I saw but was never fully satisfied.

And then I discovered Bikram yoga.  I was exposed to myself completely in front of those mirrors.  I met myself head on with no excuses and no exceptions.  I went from wearing shorts and a tank top to shorts and a sports bra.  I moved from the back of the room to the front of the room.  I went from not wearing a bathing suit in public to baring every part of me in the BYS Yoga Competition.

About 6 months ago I looked in my bathroom mirror as I was getting ready to go out and I thought to myself, "I like what I see.  I like all of this.  I am beautiful." and I believed every word.

I can't say that I like my tummy every day of the week or that I am fully satisfied with my arms BUT I know that everyday I work hard at being stronger and I work hard at loving myself.  A year ago I couldn't do one full push up, now I can knock out 20 (I did just get on the floor and do them, I couldn't lie to you!).   It makes me fully believe that we can do whatever we want - we just have to believe in ourselves.

"You is Kind. You is Smart. You is Important."

I saw the movie the Help last week.  I haven't read the book yet, sometimes I enjoy seeing the movie before I read the novel, that way I am rarely dissapointed.  I think the books are always better than the films that they are turned into.  Anyways, one of the main characters in the story is Abeleen Clark, a maid and nanny who feels it is her duty to tell the children she cares for, "You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important."  She grasps them tightly in her arms, looks them in the eyes and has them recite those magical words with her.

How often do we tell ourselves this?  How often do we give ourselves credit for what we are?  I personally find it easier to tell myself I haven't done something right than to acknowledge that I've done a good job.

Go on, right now, grab a pen and a piece of paper and I dare you to write down 10 things that you like about yourself.

10 things I like about me!

1.  My blonde hair.
2.  My dedication to those that I care for.
3.  My strong work ethic.
4.  My ability to empathize with people.
5.  My ability to adapt to many different situations.
6.  My legs.
7.  My strength.
8.  My Standing Bow.
9.  My ability to crochet an afghan.
10.My passion for all things that interest me.

I Am Still Alive

I've been away.  I've been hiding.  I've been avoiding this space that I use as an outlet.  Why?  I don't really know.  I'm unemployed and my days consist of yoga, working out, cycling and getting dinner ready for LW when he comes home from work.  Doesn't sound awful, does it?  No definitely not, and I can't say that I hate it.  But I most certainly feel like I am hanging in limbo, that where I am as I near closer and closer to my 30th birthday is kind of - pathetic.  Now, yes, I know this is so not true.  That I have done a lot of things in my 20s.  Traveled and lived in Europe; went to college and studied forestry; studied and graduated with a diploma in GIS by correspondence while working a full time job; lived in the Rocky Mountains; lived in the Okanagan; worked an amazing summer in Nova Scotia; picked grapes in France; lived in Edinburgh; and met amazing friends that are too far away for my liking. 

I am not ashamed nor do I regret any of these things that I've done and accomplished in my life but I am not where society dictates I should be.  And I hate that this is what I am thinking about because ever since I was 14, I rebelled against anything that I should be doing.  No top of the line clothes for me - I dressed in long flowy hippy skirts, made hemp necklaces and went against most everything the majority of the people in my high school did.  Why?  I don't know.  I didn't go to university until I had traveled and explored and got the wanderlust, mostly, out of my system.  I'm so happy I did that.  I don't regret anything I've done but, boy, do I kick myself for some of the mistakes I've made.  They mostly have to do with money and my respect or disrespect for it and how I chose to handle it.

So I'm trying to look at this bout of unemployment as a huge life lesson for me.  One thing about me is, I love to shop.  I love clothes.  I have not bought myself anything that has cost me more than $10 since June 30th.  I pick something up I want and I actually weigh it out, do I need this or do I want this?  My Mum has been trying to teach me that since I was 14 years old - 15 years later I am finally catching on. 

I find it interesting how I discovered amazing self discipline when I went to college for Forestry - I amazed myself and my parents at how good I was at school and studying.  The self discipline then carried through to my health - I lost 50 pounds through devotion to exercise and diet, which has now carried on through my yoga practice and is the way I live my life.  I am just now discovering this discipline when it comes to material items.  Ha!  Come to think of it I didn't become a shopaholic until I lost the weight and clothes actually fit.  Now, there's a double edged sword.

A couple weeks ago, my brother passed on this blogger to me.  James Altucher is an interesting man and I like how he writes.  I don't agree with everything he says but what I get the most from his blog is that you need to take control of your own life.  There's no point just letting it happen - make it happen.  It's not gonna be easy but why not spend your time trying and maybe failing or falling (Standing Bow!) and getting back into it - at least you did the best you could.  Altucher talks about a daily practice that consist of four things; Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual.  The one that is the biggest challenge for me is the mental.  I need to re discover my creativity, to develop new ideas, to come up with something unique. 

So I'm going to start with this space.  This space is going to be an outlet and I am going to write something unique here every day.  It may be about yoga, it may be about food, it may be just a giant purge which I did today.  I am giving myself permission for this blog to no longer be just about yoga but about what ever I feel I need to discuss.  It may not be pretty but this is where my daily practice is going to begin.

Parallels

My workout, this morning, consisted of Kyla's 1000 rep challenge.  Oh my god this was tough.  Picture this:

• 10 Burpees
• 10 Squat Jumps
• 10 Push Ups
• 10 Tuck Jumps
• 10 Toe Touch Sit Ups
• 10 Dips
• 10 Get Ups
• 10 Jump Lunges
• 10 Leg Lifts
• 10 Squat Thrusts

And multiply this by 10.  Do it 10 times.  Non stop. It took me 57 minutes and 20 seconds.  I'm pretty proud that I finished this workout.  It was rough.  I can frankly say that I hate burpees and tuck jumps and get ups suck after your 90th one.  But the hardest part of this was just getting through it. 

You know that feeling, when you're in a Bikram class and it's hot and it smells and you feel like you're getting no air?  You know there are only three poses left until class is over - until you can leave the room and feel amazing but all you want to do is lay there.  But you drag your sweaty ass out of Savasana and into Rabbit pose because, well, you need to stretch your spine after the compression from Camel.  If you sit it out you won't get the benefits and even though it does feel good to just lay there - it feels even better to complete class on a high note.

I totally had my monkey mind, as Bikram would say, telling me to stop my workout this morning.  It was whispering that 5 rounds would be more than enough or that I could stop at 7 rounds, that would be 700 reps.  But once I'd done 700 reps I only had 300 left so I had to keep going and I wanted to tell Kyla I'd completed her workout.  So I did it!  1000 reps before 8:00am on Saturday morning!

I love that I know the difference, now, between my body physically not being able to push anymore and my mind telling me I can't because, well, my mind is lazy.  I love that I've come to recognize the difference between the two and know when to push and when to back off - when to give myself a break and say, "Jewl it's ok for today" and when to say, "Move that ass!".

Trust the Process

"Sounds like you're in a rush."  What?  Me?  Wanting something now - immeditately - as fast as I can accomplish it?  Never!

This is what one of my teachers said to me a couple weeks ago after rambling on to him about how I wasn't sure if Bikram yoga was the right path for me, that I wanted more, that I felt I was missing something.  It hurt.  Even though I know, more than anyone else, that when I decide I want something - I want it immediately - it brought me crashing down to reality.

I was a little angry when I got home.  I felt as though what I wanted or what I dreamed had been stomped on by someone who I felt was a friend and who understood me and my yoga practice.  I felt that I had every right to feel the way I do - to question my yoga and my practice and the teachers and to want more from my yoga practice.  And I definitely do feel this way and have every right to question it!  But I had started getting myself worked up about it. 

Let me clarify myself a little bit.  You know when you first started your practice and you pick up your foot in Standing Head to Knee and the teacher says many times, "Lock your knee.  Before you kick, lock your knee.  Lock your knee!".  But you don't.  You see the other students around you who have been practicing for a while and they are kicking out and it looks so amazing and you want to be there - where they are!  But your standing leg is wobbling and your knee isn't locked and the teacher calls you out and tells you to bring your leg down and to lock your goddamn knee!  And then you feel a little sheepish or you get angry because you really just want to kick your leg out!

This is how I'm feeling about my yoga practice - I am trying to kick my leg forward before my knee is locked - I am trying to reach a point in my practice that I am not ready for yet.  Training for the competition gave me this glimpse at these amazing yogis who not only do amazing things with their bodies but also have this beautiful peace about them that I admire.  I practiced with them.  Got to know them a little bit.  Received little tidbits of their knowledge and I decided I want to be like them - I want to gain their knowledge - I want to follow my own yoga path.  And this is what I was trying to relate to my teacher - I want what you guys have or know or what I think that you know!  And he told me very promptly to lock my goddamn knee.

This has taken me a couple of weeks to process.  I've let it drift out of my mind.  I took an Iyengar yoga class.  I've practiced at home.  I bought a yoga anatomy book.  I'm still only practicing at the studio two or three days a week.

And then yesterday I was determined to go to class.  I just wanted to be in that room.  Through a blizzard, I drove and got into that hot room.  It was a tough class - I'm still a little sick.  But I knew what I'd come for when, lying in Savasana immediately after Cobra pose, the teacher says, "Trust the process."  I'm sure she said more insightful things after that but I had tuned out because I suddenly remembered how far I have come personally - how much I have grown and changed - both physically and mentally in 19 months of Bikram yoga practice.

I just need to keep trying to lock that knee and the rest will come.

On Practicing While Ill

On Saturday night I got bowled over by a cold.  Sniffling, coughing in my sleep, snoring so loud that LW had to get me to roll over, achy, hot and cold and just tired.  I've noticed that since practicing yoga regularly I rarely get sick.  I may teeter on the edge of a cold but it rarely hits me.  It probably got me hard this time because LW and I spent our Friday night drinking a bottle of Scotch and dancing around the living room.

I spent most of the day on the couch Sunday, alternating between hot and cold, staring at the TV, wanting to eat my face off (does anyone else get super hungry when they're sick?) and reading.  I took the day off on Monday - stayed home and nursed my cold.  I decided that I would go to the 1:45pm class and try to sweat the sickness out of my body.

The lovely Carla was teaching and she told me that Balancing Stick is really good for getting rid of the fever because it raises the heart rate and that Fixed Firm opens your lymphatic system and that Cobra opens the chest and helps clear congestion.  She told me to take it easy and that the Standing Series would probably be easier than the Floor Series.

Some poses were more challenging than others and introduced new sensations in my body.  I could barely backward bend in Half Moon, Eagle was more trying that usual, Standing Bow caused me a little pain in my lower back.  I loved Standing Seperate Leg Forehead to Knee - loved! - normally I loathe this pose and Triangle - well it just exhausted me.  I was so ready to lie down when we finally got to floor. 

I nearly fell asleep in the 2 minute Savasana!  That has never happened to me before but I woke up when I heard the cue for Wind Removing Pose.  Everything was sore and achy during the floor poses - my hips - my lower back - my upper back - my shoulders.  I tried every pose once and sat out many second sets.  By the time class was over I was exhausted yet content.

Best thing I could have done for myself was going to class.  The cold is still with me but I think I coaxed most of it out of me on Monday and this morning.

Does anyone else practice when they're sick?  Or if not, why?

Advanced Class

I took my first Advanced Bikram yoga class today.  I skipped out of work for a few hours - feigning an appointment - which it was and went back to the studio at 11 this morning.

All I can say is that it was amazing.  The first thing Ida Ripley said to me was that I was there because I was advanced enough in my yoga practice to know my own limitations.  Holy, compliment!  I did poses I never thought I could do.  I learned that my right ankle, that has been sprained many times, needs time to loosen up before I can sit in Lotus pose.  I realized that my back is rather flexible.  I found two possible poses I will do in the competition.  And I bailed hard when I was trying to do headstand!  I had to laugh - I fell hard flat on my back with a loud and wet smack!

I went back to work a few hours later and felt high as a kite.  I still feel amazing.  Challenging myself with these new poses has given me a little push - a push I've been needing for while.

The Dancing J gives a great break down on the Advanced Series here.

101 Inspiration

As most of you know, there are many people around the world completing the Bikram 101 Challenge.  101 Hot Yoga classes in 101 days. 

I am priveledged to have one of these amazing people practice with me every morning.  D is so inspiring.  I see every morning at 6am with a smile on her face.  She lays her mat in a different place every day.  She doesn't drink water during the class.  She does doubles because a friend doesn't want to come to class by herself, yet she doesn't want to miss her morning class. 

Cheers to D!  Cheers to all of you particpating in the 101 Challenge!  Cheers to all of you who practice yoga!

Friday.  Day off work.  9:30 am class.

I walked into the warm studio at 9:20.  It was a blustery cold west coast kind of day - one where it is hard to get out of bed.  The studio was the perfect place to be.  It was packed.  I lay my mat down in the only space available, third row with maybe 10 cm of space on either side of me.  This was definitely not what I was used to.  I normally come to the early morning 6 am classes, where a busy class is at most 30 people.  I was looking forward to it - a challenge.  I knew it would be humid and hot but I was ready for it or so I thought.

The class started out strong.  I kept my focus until 2nd set of Triangle and then I faded.  My hips were killing me.  Sweat was running down in streams, pooling in my eyes.  My mouth tasted like pure garlic from the spinach salad I'd had for dinner the night before.  By the time we got to the floor I was done for and ecstatic for the 2 minutes of Savasana.  It ended way too quickly.

Wind Removing Pose.  I felt like a wet noodle.  I could not, under any circumstance, feel the pinching in my hips.  The pulling exhausted my arms and I craved the next Savasana.

Spine Strengthening Series was where it all went out the window.  Laying on my stomach brought back those feelings from the first class I'd ever taken 10 months ago.  I felt nauseous and dizzy.  My sweat tasted salty, most days it just tastes like water.  I started breathing through my mouth - I was gasping for air - it took every little bit of determination and discipline that I had to close my mouth and breathe deeply through my nose.

Turtle pose, which I normally adore, took every last bit of energy out of me.  Camel pose.  I got as far as coming up on my knees, then keeled forward thinking I was going to vomit on my towel.  Rabbit pose.  I made  a very half assed attempt and came out early both times.  I took a desperate break during Head to Knee with Stretching Pose - felt a little guilty while people around me were rounding their spines, stretching their arms - I honestly can't remember the last time I sat out a posture.  I barely had enough core strength to keep my back straight in Spine Twist and flopped down on my mat like a dead fish after the final breathing.

It had been months and months since I'd had a class like that.  I walked out of the heat and back into the the blustery wind and the rain.  I was shaky and weak but was so glad I'd made it through. 

Habits

Do you ever catch yourself doing something just because that's what you do?  Giving it no thought, no pause for consideration.  Your morning coffee.  Slouching at the computer.  That piece of chocolate before you go to bed.  The ice in your water bottle.  The after dinner cigarette.

I've been slowly trying to change my routine habits.  I have now completely eliminated the ice from my water bottle.  I only drink Emergen-C if I feel I need it.  I am trying to wear clothes in my closet that I have let gather dust.  I recently quit smoking.  I don't crave it at all anymore but sometimes I feel like I should have one, just because that's what I used to do.

These habits exist in my yoga as well.  In my class with Ida, I was doing final Spine Twist.  Leg lifted over the knee, arm over the leg, arm wrapped around my back, hand gripping my shorts.  This was as far as I could go, the idea of grabbing my thigh with my hand seemed a million miles away.  Ida gently took my arm and moved it lower and closer to my torso so that I was almost grabbing my thigh!  This was so much closer than I ever thought I could go!  I had just automatically stopped at the waistband of my shorts because that was my depth - my body would not go any deeper - it was how I was built and that was that.

I think that once you become aware of these habits - once you become present while going through the motions of these routines - it becomes easier to change them.  It is definitely not a smooth transition - it can be really hard.  Hell, I just ate too much because I was sitting at work, frustrated and bored.  But at least I was conscious of the fact that I was going to feel bloated and regret it later.  I think the more you realize how you react in situations or how you take hold of your moments the more you will keep moving and growing - in and out of the hot room.

A Double

I have been inspired by you.  By all of you that I read every week.  So Monday evening I decided I would do a double on Tuesday.  My own challenge.

I went to my regular 6 am class and made sure I told the instructor I was going to do a double.  I needed someone to be aware of my intentions.  It was hot.  I don't normally sweat all that much in the mornings but today I was dripping.  Sweat rolling down my legs, off my elbows, dripping from the end of my ponytail.  I had my water bottle but not one drop of water touched my lips.  I am really starting to notice a much deeper compression in my internal organs when I limit my water intake.  Loving it!  My balance was way off.  It felt like I was back at the beginning of my practice.  I would tip and stumble and dip and sway.  I take this as a good sign.  My practice is coming round full circle again!

Went to work with a fresh set of yoga gear in my car and made it back to the studio for the 5:45pm class.  Again, HOT!  But such a different heat.  All those bodies sweating in the room all day had left the room humid, the air heavy.  My toes went numb until about the 3rd asana.  This used to happen to me when I first started Bikram yoga.  I'm thinking it has to do with circulation??  Once I got the feeling back in my toes, my standing series was strong, again my balance was off and my butt muscles were burning!  I only had a couple sips of water during class and noticed a headache in Kapalbhati breathing. 

I have been re hydrating since I got home and will be back to my 6am class tomorrow morning.

Thanks again for the inspiration!