Doubts

What do you do when you know you want something really bad but you're scared that when you do it your whole life is going to change?

I really want to go to TT. I have a couple things standing in my way. 1) I have half the money - I need the other half. 2) My own self. My doubting self. My scared self.

But I know deep down inside I want it - real bad. Another problem - I am now unemployed - so the idea of me doing this seems further away.

The moment I took an Iyengar yoga class, I knew I wanted to teach yoga. It was like suddenly - oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Then, a year later, I took my first Bikram class - with deep hesitation and doubt - I fell in love.

And now I want it so bad, I want to cry. (Don't worry - I cry at the drop of a hat - it's how I deal).

So first step - I need 5 grand. Step two - grab my balls and dive in.

Fear

I've been thinking about fear a lot lately.  The way I am afraid of competing.  The way I am afraid I will be in the same job in 5 years.  The way I am afraid of many irrational things that are out of my control and that are not happening when I am worrying about them.

Iyengar helped me remember that it is unnecessary to worry.  In his book, Light on Life, he says, "Forget about fear.  In the future there is fear.  In the present there is no fear."

I need to live in the moment.  As I practice my asanas in my living room there is no reason to be afraid of the competition because I am in my living room practicing MY yoga.  That moment - this moment - is mine.

Yoga Nightmare

I had a yoga nightmare last night.

I walked into the studio and all seemed normal, I placed my mat on the floor and went and hung out in the reception area.  Everything seemed relatively normal except that it was very chaotic, kind of like a free day, when it's full of new students.  And the colours were different, the room was dark and full of velvet chairs. Even my mat and towel were dark maroon colours.

When it was 5 minutes to class I walked back into the studio with every intention of lying down for a few minutes before class started.  But it was utter chaos in there!  People running around, yelling, drinking.  Someone had kicked my mat and towel around so that I couldn't find it.  Finally my teacher walked in.  He tried to take control of the room to no avail.  Then another teacher came in to try to calm everyone down - it didn't work.  I was getting very frustrated by this point and left the room.

Back in the reception area, everything was calm - as it should be.  I chatted with my instructor for a bit and then walked outside to get into my truck and go home.  My truck was gone!  Someone had stolen it.  I went back into the studio completely panicked.  The instructors were trying to help me find it but it was gone, along with all of my stuff.  My new purse, my blog which was written on paper like a diary, everything. 

Here everything kind of goes blank, except that I was extremely anxious and scared.

And then suddenly my truck was back.  Just like that.  Nothing was missing from it.  Everything was at it should be, except for the fact that all of my blog pages were highlighted in bright yellow.  And all of the words highlighted were swear words.

Then I woke up.

I was paralyzed in my bed.  I could not move.  My heart was pounding.  I felt as though someone was watching me. Drinking water would not make the dream go away.  I turned on the light and read for a while  to try to get that awful feeling away from me.

I am a little unsure of where this dream came from.  All my yoga dreams to date have been relatively pleasant where I just dream about practicing the poses.  I am in the midst of making a very important decision regarding my yoga practice.  I am nervous and it will definitely put me completely out of my comfort zone.  I was probably just "voicing" my anxiety through this dream.

What kind of yoga dreams have you had?