Down The Rabbit Hole

I was playing with my iPhone the other evening and for some reason downloaded the Kindle app.  Don't ask me why.  I am firm believer in books.  Actual books that you can feel and that you can touch and that you can smell.  I love libraries.  I love book stores.  I love trading books.  I keep a stack of books beside my bed.  I am always reading at least one book.

So, I decided that whatever I read on my tiny iPhone screen would have to be a book that I could not purchase in paper form or borrow from the library.  I bought Claudia Altucher's book, 21 Things To Know Before Starting An Ashtanga Yoga Practice.

I'm reading her book slowly and making a lot of bookmarks along the way so that I can go back later and re read some passages.  I love her personal touch in the book.  She gives her readers personal examples of how her Ashtanga practice has benefited her.  She admits to changes in her outlook on her practice and personal road blocks that have shown themselves along her yoga journey.

One of Claudia's points that resonated with me was when she says that you will go down the rabbit hole.  I thought this was a perfect of description of where yoga has taken me.  I started with a simple practice with a video and then discovered one of B.K.S. Iyengar's books.  I, then, started a practice at an Iyengar yoga studio, moved on to exploring Bikram yoga and have now started opening the yoga doors to an Ashtanga practice.  I also read about yoga.  I think about yoga.  I write about yoga.  Yoga has endless possibilities to me and I never feel as though I have enough time to absorb it all.  I have found that sometimes I may not be ready to read a paragraph in a book - Iyengar's Light on Life, for example, but a month later it makes more sense to me.  I am ready to absorb the information.  One day, I would love to travel to India.


The rabbit hole is the most exciting part of a yoga practice, in my humble opinion.  It gets you thinking, reading, dreaming, it opens the doors to infinity.

Via

The Little Things

It is nearly Thanksgiving here in Canada and I woke this morning with a bit of a woe is me attitude.  I am removing those thoughts from my mind and taking charge of my thoughts by remembering all of the reasons I have to be thankful. 

I am grateful for:

• My supportive family.  I love that my brothers and I are now friends.  I love that my mum and I practice yoga together.  I love those moments I get all alone with my dad.
• My home.  I've been living in this small place for nearly 5 years.  It's been good to me.  LW now lives here with me.  We actually manage alright in a small space together.
• My friends.  Most of them are so far away, but I'm happy they are wherever they are.
• My bed.  It is one of my favourite places in the world.
• My Dutch heritage.  I am very proud to be Dutch.  To speak Dutch.  To look Dutch.
• My LW.  He came home from the library last week with a dictionary size book of quotes.  One of the reasons I love him.
• My yoga practice.  It is taking me on a journey of self discovery that can be painful at times but that I find perfect.

It Is Your Practice - a little tip for beginners

One of the most common comments I hear from beginners in the yoga studio is, I'm not flexible enough to do yoga.  This is such a huge misconception.  You do not need to be flexible to practice yoga.  Flexibility is one of the products of a regular yoga practice.

Another comment I often hear is, I'll never be able to do what you do or why can you do this and I can't.  There is one thing that I cannot stress enough when it comes to a yoga practice, just try your best, do what you can do in the proper alignment and above all STOP comparing yourself to anyone else.  And, if you want to see changes you need a consistent practice.  2 days a week will probably not result in many noticeable changes.  Now that doesn't mean that 2 days is not good for you but you need to practice consistently and constantly to really see changes.  In the past 28 months I have had a very steady practice of an average of 5 classes a week, which is why I think my poses have changed a lot.

Let me give you a little breakdown on how my Bikram yoga practice has changed since I first entered the studio in May 2009.  

• 28 months ago, I could not keep my arms straight and elbows locked through the entire Half Moon series.
• 28 months ago, I could not wrap my legs completely around each other in Eagle pose.
• 26 months ago, I thought my heart would explode out of my chest during the standing balancing series.
• 26 months ago, Camel pose made me feel sick. 
• 26 months ago, I had to walk my knees up to meet my head in Rabbit pose.
• 24 months ago, I could not kick my leg out in Standing Head to Knee pose. 
• 24 months ago, I finally learned how to breathe properly on the inhalation in Pranayama breathing.
• 20 months ago, I could not see my foot above my head in Standing Bow Pulling pose.
• 18 months ago, I could not wrap my arm around my back in Final Twist.
• 18 months ago, I could not sit with straight legs and a flat back in Stretching pose.
• 12 months ago, my elbows did not go below calf of my kicked out leg in Standing Head to Knee pose.
• 12 months ago, my chin never touched my shoulder in Standing Bow Pulling pose.
• 12 months ago, I could not meet my own eyes in the mirror.
• 8 months ago, I could barely kick my kicking leg forward in Standing Head to Knee pose, in order to keep my hips in one line.
• 5 months ago, I could not get into Fixed Firm pose for 5 classes.
• 2 months ago, I started feeling sick in Camel pose, again.
• 1 month ago, I could not keep my arms locked above my head in Half Moon.
• Today, I could not lock my knee in Standing Head to Knee pose. 

I didn't want this to be a list of things that I can't do in my yoga practice but I wanted to show that I have struggled, I still struggle, that our bodies change all the time and that EVERY BODY is different.

You may look around the room sometimes - you are hot, it's humid, sweat is in your eyes and you are struggling to keep your knee locked and your thigh contracted - you see people locking their knees, with what appears to be, such ease.  It's not.  It's not easy for any one.  You may think that the person next to you has a beautiful Standing Bow, I can guarantee you that 95% of the people who first try Standing Bow feel exactly the same way - that it is nearly impossible.  I know I did.

Stop comparing yourself to other people because your poses will never look like theirs.  You are unique and completely different to the person next to you.  Remember that walking into the hot room and practicing yoga is more than most people will do in one day.  Remember that you are there for yourself - be good to yourself, be gentle, be compassionate - if you can't balance one day, it just is and let it go.  Remember that if you don't understand something, ask questions!  Keep asking questions!  Ask different teachers the same question!  And above all, remember that it is your practice.  Do what you will, do what you can, try and simply get your ass to the studio.  The rest will take care of itself.

Small Goals

Since the beginning of June, I have applied for about 14 advertised jobs in the GIS field.  Their locations have ranged from Ontario to northern Alberta to my hometown of Victoria.  I have heard nothing - nothing, from any of these potential employers.

Does my resume suck?  Is my cover letter terrible?  I have revamped them both in the past couple of months with some professional help.  Do I lack in experience?  Perhaps.  Am I limited by where I will move to?  Not really, look where I have applied.  Is my heart into it?  I don't know.

Why isn't my heart into it?  Well, because I know I don't want to be a GIS technician forever.  I feel I have more to offer, to give and there is something out there that is better for me career wise.  But, I do know that when I am challenged in my job as a GIS tech, I like it.  I love being challenged.  And I know that when I work for a company that I respect, generally, as a whole, I will work hard for my pay cheque.  And I know that I'm proud that I've developed this technical side of my brain because I never thought that I ever COULD.

So what are my options?  Well, the first thing that always pops into my head is that I should just go back to school and try again.  Unfortunately, I'm nearing the age of 30 (less than 2 months!) and as much as I love learning, always, I can't bloody well afford to, in the traditional sense of University.  I know that I do not want to be a starving student and I know that I want to be debt free.  I know that I could do an online course again (I earned my GIS diploma on line while working full time) but I need to be seriously interested in the subject.

So, as far as I'm concerned, I need to keep looking.  Someone said to me the other day that if yoga starts taking over your life maybe you should make yoga your life.  As wonderful as that sounds there's something inside of me that is still unsure.  And one thing that I do know fully about myself is that I know when I make a decision and want something I feel it in my gut to the depth of my bowels and I am positive and it is easy.  Once I make the decision or know that I want something doors open.  I haven't had this feeling in quite a while.  I'm not sitting around waiting for it but I have my feelers out there.  I'll know when something is right.  

In the meantime,  I'm blogging, which I am loving, by the way.  I have a bunch of post its stuck to my computer for topics that I can talk about.  It really is stimulating and I am rediscovering my creativity and am enjoying my daily practice.

James Altucher says that he starts noticing results after a month, then 3 months, then 6 months.  Who knows?  But I'm glad I picked up the practice and I'm 23 days in!

Doubts

What do you do when you know you want something really bad but you're scared that when you do it your whole life is going to change?

I really want to go to TT. I have a couple things standing in my way. 1) I have half the money - I need the other half. 2) My own self. My doubting self. My scared self.

But I know deep down inside I want it - real bad. Another problem - I am now unemployed - so the idea of me doing this seems further away.

The moment I took an Iyengar yoga class, I knew I wanted to teach yoga. It was like suddenly - oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Then, a year later, I took my first Bikram class - with deep hesitation and doubt - I fell in love.

And now I want it so bad, I want to cry. (Don't worry - I cry at the drop of a hat - it's how I deal).

So first step - I need 5 grand. Step two - grab my balls and dive in.

When To Back Off

We hear it in yoga class often - your back is going to hurt like hell, don't be scared. I have heard many yoga instructors explain this more clearly, in that we need to know the difference between a pain that is uncomfortable and that we can breathe normally through and a pain that is excruciating and affects our breathing pattern. If your legs hurt in Awkward pose because they are shaking and sore and they have never held up your body weight before, well, suck it up Princess. Breathe through it, hold the asana as long as you can and challenge your body and your mind by pushing past your comfort zone. If you try to sit between your feet in Fixed Firm pose and your knees, ankles or hips start screaming at you, your breathing becomes laboured and you're seeing stars - back off! Put your hands beside your hips and slowly lower your bum down until you feel a little pain and hold yourself there. Day by day and week by week you will improve and notice a difference.

I am struggling with backing off today. Somehow, on Monday evening, I injured my deltoid in my left arm. I lifted weights when I got home from work and did a BodyRock. I was a little more tired than usual while doing my shoulder presses and bench presses but I didn't think much of it. I woke up Monday to a very uncomfortable pain my shoulder. I popped a couple Advil to get back to sleep. Tuesday morning, I worked out with my sore shoulder and just ignored it. Yesterday evening my shoulder was feeling OK so I decided that I could go to a boot camp workout today after work. But as soon as I started my yoga class this morning, my shoulder hurt - quite a bit actually.

I've heard many teachers explain that yoga can be used as a diagnostic tool. That through yoga you can learn from your body what is strong, injured, sore or weak. This morning my shoulder yelled at me, very loudly, to back off a little bit. I realized through my practice this morning that if I couldn't pull on my heels in Hands to Feet pose that my shoulder probably needed a break.

It's hard to allow yourself those breaks - to not push through the pain - to give yourself permission to have a slow week. I have spent the morning thinking about my shoulder, tossing all my different options around in my head, discussing it with Kristy, thinking about it again, talking about it again. And have FINALLY come to the conclusion that I should not work out tonight. That I probably should only practice yoga for the rest of the week and allow my body to heal itself.

It's so hard. I don't want to do it! But I've seen many people close to me re injure themselves again and again because they push too hard and don't listen to their body. Tonight I will listen very carefully to my body, respect it and give it what it needs.

Oh So Refreshing!

I had the most amazing class this morning in... I don't know how long!

One of my favourite teachers is back teaching one morning a week at my studio.  She is a breath of fresh air.  It helps, I think, that she is a morning person.  So, she wants to be there with all us early risers at 6 am.  As she once said to me, "If I'm not teaching it, I'm taking it!".  Her enthusiasm is contagious and she expects just as much from you in an early morning class as anyone would in an evening class.

I felt strong and alive.  My muscles worked so hard, my breathing stayed calm, my heart raced and my mind managed to let any thoughts float on by.  And, boy, was I focused.  I had a little breakthrough with floor bow.  I need to almost forget about wanting my shoulders to rotate and just focus on my kick and relax my shoulders so my head can get back further and to forget about the mirror - to really forget that it's there - which is so counter intuitive because the teachers have been telling you for the last hour to focus on the mirror.  But the second set felt better, more natural and deeper.

I needed this.  I needed to feel strong again.  I've been feeling sucked dry of energy lately.  Letting my job affect me and slowly - without noticing - seeping into my subconscious.  I have been feeling less than capable and that has been trickling into other aspects of my life.  Especially my practice.

Here's one of my favourite songs, right now, by Neil Young - The Believer.  Listen to his lyrics.  I associate them to everything that I believe in - my friends, my family, my lover, my yoga and even myself.

 

Trust the Process

"Sounds like you're in a rush."  What?  Me?  Wanting something now - immeditately - as fast as I can accomplish it?  Never!

This is what one of my teachers said to me a couple weeks ago after rambling on to him about how I wasn't sure if Bikram yoga was the right path for me, that I wanted more, that I felt I was missing something.  It hurt.  Even though I know, more than anyone else, that when I decide I want something - I want it immediately - it brought me crashing down to reality.

I was a little angry when I got home.  I felt as though what I wanted or what I dreamed had been stomped on by someone who I felt was a friend and who understood me and my yoga practice.  I felt that I had every right to feel the way I do - to question my yoga and my practice and the teachers and to want more from my yoga practice.  And I definitely do feel this way and have every right to question it!  But I had started getting myself worked up about it. 

Let me clarify myself a little bit.  You know when you first started your practice and you pick up your foot in Standing Head to Knee and the teacher says many times, "Lock your knee.  Before you kick, lock your knee.  Lock your knee!".  But you don't.  You see the other students around you who have been practicing for a while and they are kicking out and it looks so amazing and you want to be there - where they are!  But your standing leg is wobbling and your knee isn't locked and the teacher calls you out and tells you to bring your leg down and to lock your goddamn knee!  And then you feel a little sheepish or you get angry because you really just want to kick your leg out!

This is how I'm feeling about my yoga practice - I am trying to kick my leg forward before my knee is locked - I am trying to reach a point in my practice that I am not ready for yet.  Training for the competition gave me this glimpse at these amazing yogis who not only do amazing things with their bodies but also have this beautiful peace about them that I admire.  I practiced with them.  Got to know them a little bit.  Received little tidbits of their knowledge and I decided I want to be like them - I want to gain their knowledge - I want to follow my own yoga path.  And this is what I was trying to relate to my teacher - I want what you guys have or know or what I think that you know!  And he told me very promptly to lock my goddamn knee.

This has taken me a couple of weeks to process.  I've let it drift out of my mind.  I took an Iyengar yoga class.  I've practiced at home.  I bought a yoga anatomy book.  I'm still only practicing at the studio two or three days a week.

And then yesterday I was determined to go to class.  I just wanted to be in that room.  Through a blizzard, I drove and got into that hot room.  It was a tough class - I'm still a little sick.  But I knew what I'd come for when, lying in Savasana immediately after Cobra pose, the teacher says, "Trust the process."  I'm sure she said more insightful things after that but I had tuned out because I suddenly remembered how far I have come personally - how much I have grown and changed - both physically and mentally in 19 months of Bikram yoga practice.

I just need to keep trying to lock that knee and the rest will come.

Philosophy of Yoga

"Yoga is a fine art and seeks to express the artist's abilities to the fullest possible extent.  While most artists need an instrument, such as a paintbrush or a violin, to express their art, the only instruments a yogi needs are his body and his mind.  The ancient sages compared yoga to a fruit tree.  Fom a single seed grow the roots, trunk, branches and leaves.  The leaves bring life-giving energy to the entrie tree, which then blossoms into flowers and sweet, luscious fruit.  Just as the fruit is the natural culmination of the tree, yoga, too, transforms darkness into light, ignorance into knowledge, knowledge into wisdom and wisdom into unalloyed peace and spiritual bliss."                                                                                                          - B.K.S Iyengar

I like the idea that I am an artist and that my body, mind and spirit are my pieces of art.  I've read somewhere, and I really wish I could find this quote, that people get the same sense of relaxation or meditation from painting, writing, creating and from yoga.  We are all artists in charge of creating our own masterpieces of our Self.