Sense of Obligation

I have this sense of obligation to people sometimes.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing because I think it makes me who I am but it can sometimes cause me an immense amount of stress.

I admire people who can say no easily or feel no guilt when they change their minds about something.

This is my work in process.  To do what I want to do without feeling guilt or an obligation to people who really don't matter.

"Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is . . . impossible."

                                                         - Richard Bach

"If you are living out of a sense of obligation you are slave."

                                                        - Wayne Dyer

A Gentle Reminder

I tweaked my lower back yesterday.  I am pretty sure this happened during my practice.  So this morning I focused on my movements and tried to move just a little more slowly.  I figured out right away where this tweak occurred.

In Urdha Mukha Svanasana (Upward Facing Dog), I've been letting the strength go from my legs, my hips and my bum.  I was pretty much just flopping down into the pose and losing all mindfulness of my lower spine.  So I guess without my muscles being contracted my spine was able to flop around where ever it wanted and I was losing the strength in my lower back.  

I also noticed that as I neared the end of my practice and I started getting a little tired my vinyasas suffered.  I would lose the connection between my lower back and legs during the transition from Upward Facing Dog to Adho Mukka Svanasana (Downward Facing Dog).  I found that I would just kind of flick my hips upwards and I was taking most of the movement on the right side of my lower back because that is my stronger side.  I was getting lazy on my left side and losing the control.

It's interesting because I thought I was being mindful.  It's amazing how easy it is to lose that focus without a teacher there to constantly remind you of what you need to do.  It's a good reminder that I need to be aware, both physically and mentally, of how I am moving through my practice.

Happy Birthday To Me

My body ached as I rolled over this morning.  30 years old today and this is how I feel?  Not a great sign.  I rolled out my mat.  My body creaking as I bent over.  My hamstrings resisted bending over with straight legs.

Surya Namaskr A was slow and methodical.  My lower back was tight and I moved carefully so as not to hurt myself.  Surya Namaskr B was tough.  I had to catch my breath a couple of times at the top of each salutation before I could continue.  By the time I reached Trikonasana I was starting to feel like myself - the young, sprite 29 year old I was yesterday.  I finished my practice strong and with much gratitude that I have found my yoga practice.

I am 30 today and I feel the best I've ever felt in my entire life.

Make It A Habit

Just a thought for a rainy Saturday.

To Remember

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada.  Canadians are asked to pause and remember the thousands of men and women who sacrificed their lives in military service.

To me, Remembrance Day is where I can be grateful to those Canadian soldiers who risked their lives to fight for the freedom of Europe during WWI and WWII.  I am most touched by these wars because they affect my family directly.  My Dad is from the Netherlands and I can still remember stories both my Oma and Opa told me of living through the war.

I am grateful for the Canadian soldiers who freed Holland.  I am grateful for Canada for housing Princess Juliana when she fled the Netherlands during WWII. 

I am grateful that we live in such a country that we are able to take the time to remember those people who fight for freedom.

Putting That Energy Somewhere

I met a man about a job today.  Well, to be more precise, I met a man to ask him questions and get input on my resume and the job market in this oh so sad looking BC economy.

He'd had my resume for a couple of weeks and I was dumbfounded by all of the different ideas that he had come up with where I could move forward in my career.  Some, I will admit, were a bit over my head.  But I found it amazing how this man was able to look at my experience and think of all the different things I could do with it.

I get extremely overwhelmed when people talk to me and about me in this way that represents me as a highly successful individual.  I don't know why.  It scares me.  It makes me uncomfortable and it makes me feel terribly unworthy.  It involves selling myself.  It involves research and hard work.  And it could very well be that I don't want to do that hard work because what I think my career should be is not the career that I want or that I would love. 

It makes me think that I need to take a second approach to my daily practice and follow the daily practice Altucher outlines here.  I'm going to try and take some ideas that were so kindly passed onto me by the gentleman I met today and put them to good use.  I'm going to try and challenge this energy that terrifies me and makes me want to cry and put it to some good use.

Curse of the Wine Gums

I love wine gums.  Adore them.  I covet them when they are on sale.  I don't like the small tiny roll of wine gums, I want the bag.  I tell myself that they will last forever.  I'll savor each one, saving the black ones for last.

This is not the way it works.  I buy the bag and restrain myself from eating them until I get home.  Then I dive into them.  I pull them out by the handful.  I eat them one by one but they go down fast.  My mouth and jaw work in overtime as I devour these delicious little candies.  There's something about the chewy stick to your teeth goodness that I love.  I keep going back for more, until half the bag is gone and then I shove them into the back of the cupboard and swear I won't eat anymore until later in the evening. 

5 minutes later I am back in the cupboard following the same ritual.

I did this yesterday.  And immediately felt ill.  I got a terrible tummy ache.  My body started aching.  My head started to hurt.  I got really tired and had a nap on the couch.

I have never reacted to a wine gum overdose like this.  I sometimes get a little tummy ache and my teeth hurt a little bit but never this severe physical backlash from my body.

I ended up missing yoga because of this.

Yesterday, I hit rock bottom on my addiction to wine gums.

 

Observation of the Day

Last night I said to LW that I didn't think I'd be going to yoga class tonight.  He asked me why not.  I'm feeling stressed out, I said.  He raised his eyebrows and slowly nodded.  

Then it hit me.  I love my yoga class.  There is more than enough time during the day to apply for jobs, pick up a few groceries and stop by my grandparents house.  I need this time to step away from my job search and my overactive thoughts.

Why did I feel the need to refrain from doing something that I love because I felt stressed out?

I will be going to class tonight. 

Thoughts On Savasana

As a yoga practitioner, I have heard many different things about Savasana or corpse pose.  Including such things as: it is the hardest asana to master; you must relax after a yoga practice to allow all the benefits to take affect; you should lie is Savasana for at least 5 minutes; you should lie in Savasana for 5 minutes for each half hour of yoga practice. 

What I have understood most clearly is that Savasana is about letting go.  It is about resting in a state of total relaxation - mental and physical.  It is the hardest pose for me to attempt on a day to day basis. 

When I first started my yoga practice.  I would fidget.  I felt creepy crawlies on my skin.  Hair tickling my ear.  My throat always felt heavy, like I was being choked.  My lower back used to really bother me if I lay flat on my back.  Slowly, over time, these physicals annoyances became less pronounced.  My back felt better from the physical asana practice.  I ignore the tickles and the creepy crawlies and they eventually go away.  My throat sometimes still bothers me but only once every 6 months or so.

Now that I have learned to somewhat control my body in Savasana, I am trying to learn how to quiet my mind.  I try to focus on complete relaxation when I first start my Savasana - to feel a heaviness as my body sinks into the floor.  I read once (I think it was in one of Mr. Iyengar's books) that if your tongue is tense, it causes your brain to be tense.  So the first thing I do is to relax my tongue.  Then I focus on my shoulders and my arms.  I inhale deeply so that I feel my lungs fill completely with air and then exhale deeply.  I do this a few times to really bring the focus to my breath.  Some days I am able to drift off.  To just relax and breathe but most of the time my mind is doing it's little jig between focusing on my inhales and exhales to my dinner plans, my next blog post and the carpet that needs vacuuming.  When my mind wanders I try to come back to my breath.  I count the inhales and exhales so that I focus on one thing.  This may last anywhere between one and ten breaths before I go through the mind wandering and then coming back to my breath again.

In B.K.S Iyengar's Light on Life, he writes:

"To relax is to cut tension.  To cut tension is to cut the threads that bind us to identity.  To lose identity is to find out who we are not."

He continues to describe how existing in present awareness in Savasana is to let go of everything that defines us to who we are, even our sexuality.  I think I have a long way to go until I can experience what Mr. Iyengar describes.  But the key would be to keep trying.  To keep returning to my breath.  To keep trying to simply exist instead of existing with attachments.

One Savasana at a time.  One breath at a time.  One moment at a time.  Try to find the quiet.

Shhh Via

What I've Learned About Yoga

What I've learned about yoga through my own practice.

1)  You do not have to be flexible to practice yoga.  Flexibility is a benefit that comes from a yoga practice.

2)  No one style of yoga is suitable for everyone.  There are so many different styles of yoga out there. Especially in Victoria, where there seems to be a studio on every corner.  I have tried 3 styles for a consistent period of time and I've learned that I prefer the more active style with a consistent sequence, and I like being able to to practice at home.

3)  There is controversy in the yoga world.  From the gurus that we have learned from in India to our studio owners.  Emotions and legal matters do leak into a yoga.  I try to ignore this, although it can be hard sometimes.

4)  Yoga can be as spiritual as you would like it to be.  The longer I practice, the more curious and interested I am becoming in the philosophy behind yoga.

5)  The main focus of yoga is breath and balance.  Easier said than done.  Especially when you are trying to find that breath and balance outside of your asana practice.

6)  The yoga world is endless.  From yogis blogging to the guy who delivered my couch the other day.

7)  Yoga can be practiced anywhere.  Hotel rooms, airports, living rooms.  Even while your driving - try to find your peace when the guy in front of you cuts you off - this is a real challenge.

Song of the Acorn Fairy

When I was a little girl I loved fairies.  I used to have pictures of Cicely Mary Barker's fairy's all over my bedroom.  Here is one of my favourites.

THE ACORN FAIRY

To English folk the mighty oak
Is England's noblest tree;
Its hard-grained wood is strong and
good As English hearts can be.
And would you know how oak-trees grow,
The secret may be told:
You do but need to plant for seed
One acorn in the mould'
For even so, long years ago,
Were born the oaks of old.

Confession Time

I put my Bikram yoga pass on hold the other day.  Yes, fellow Bikram yogis, I feel like I am moving on from my Bikram practice.  I still am not sure whether or not it will be a permanent hold.  I'm going to try it out for a month.  I want to see how I feel sticking to an Ashtanga practice.

I, honestly, never thought I would ever leave my Bikram practice.  When I discovered Bikram yoga it did so many different things for me - physically and mentally -  that I thought I would practice Bikram yoga for the rest of my life.  I'm coming to realize that it is more suitable to say, I will practice yoga for the rest of my life.

I have been practicing Ashtanga yoga for maybe 4 weeks now and it is like turning on a new light.  I am learning a lot, not only about the asanas but about how to listen to my own body.  I am learning how to feel the poses.  I've found myself in the middle of a posture trying to think of what comes next and when it comes time to transition, I just know and I move into the following asana with little thought.  I have been discovering a new sense of the attention to detail that must be observed in each asana.  And I'm learning to find it on my own.  I get corrections from my teacher but they are subtle corrections that are often directed through touch.  I find this useful because the sensation of what muscle I should stretch or relax or tighten seems to be remembered by my body.

I wish I could go to the morning Mysore classes but, financially, it is not possible right now.  Which is OK.  I like that I have to practice at home.  I like that I that I can go to the studio in the evenings and weekends and that instead of following a led class during the evenings - which this pass was originally supposed to be - it has turned into an introduction to Mysore, so that I am getting the Mysore experience.

I just finished my morning practice at home in my small living room.  My eyes gaze outside as I practice and I see my plants on the window sill and the colourful trees outside.  It feels good to create this energy in my own living space.  It feels right to take a step away from instruction and to try to experience the yoga through my own mind and body.

Namaste.

My Tricks to Weight Loss

About 5 years ago I lost nearly 50 pounds.  Since then, I have kept the weight off and in the last 9 months have started losing more weight while toning and gaining muscle.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  But it has gotten easier over time.  Healthy living becomes a habit, you just have to make it a habit.

Most of these things I have listed below are in all the health magazines out there.  They are in those magazines because they are true.  They are what has worked for me.

• Give yourself permission to make time for yourself.  Exercise and cooking healthy meals takes time, you need to have "me" time to do what you need to do.
• You need to make the decision.  It has to be a concious choice to get healthy.
• Planning is so important.  Plan your workouts, plan your meals.  I plan my meals because if I don't I will end up making poor choices, like grilled cheese sandwiches (which I haven't had in forever and love) or perogies or just plain old toast and butter.  Not healthy.
• If you are going out and don't know where your next meal is coming from, have a snack in your purse.  Some dates balls or a mini sandwich with some peanut butter.  Have something or else you'll get so hungry that you'll eat anything that is put in front of you.  If you know where you are going to eat and the restaurant menu is online, look it up and decided prior what you're going to have.
• Start with an exercise that you enjoy doing.  My weight loss journey started with a yoga video.  I would wake up at 3:45 in the morning to do this yoga video so I could be at work for 6:30.  After work, I felt so good and had been sitting in a desk all day I would go to the gym.  My endorphins had already been lifted for the day and it would cause me to want more.  Exercise does get addictive.
• Have some protein with every meal.  This may not be the case for everyone but when I was told that I need more protein in my diet 9 months ago, weight loss became easier.
• Don't be afraid of protein powder.  I was always adament that I didn't want to consume it.  Who knows what's in that stuff right?  There are some good ones out there.  SunWarrior is great.
• You will spend more money on groceries when you eat clean.  Fresh vegetables and meats are more $$ than your average frozen pizza and boxed cereal.  I used to not want to spend more money on clean eating but I've really realized that I don't function well on crap.  I need fruit, vegetables and clean proteins.  I am a happier person when I eat yummy healthy foods.
• Find a day that you can prepare some food for the week.  Then you don't feel as stressed that you have so much food to prepare in one day.  I make my food on Sundays and eat the same lunch and breakfast for a week.  The following Sunday I switch it up.  
• Make food you enjoy.  Healthy food does not have to taste bad.  There are a ton of recipes available to you out there.
• Have a conversation with your loved ones.  I had to ask LW to stop offereing me chocolate.  He has a big sweet tooth and is a big sweetie so he would always offer me chocolate not once but two or three times.  It's easy to say no once but again and again is hard.  I asked him to stop offering me chocolate and it makes it easier for myself to avoid.
• If you are craving something sweet, drink water with half a lemon juice.  I don't know what it does but it works. 
• Make yourself treats.  Instead of having your sweetie going down and getting a carton of ice cream (yes, sometimes this happens) make yourself a batch of Raw Brownies or Cashew Dreamcake.  These are filled with healthy ingreadients, which are higher in calories than a piece of fruit but are way better than a processed cookie or a huge bowl of ice cream and you feel like you're splurging.
• Eat when you need to.  Most magazines and fitness forums will say 5 small meals a day.  This works for me. I prefer to eat this way.  Some people, whether it be their schdule or personal choice don't need to.  Do what works.  
• Every one is different.  There is no cookie cutter method for getting in shape and weight loss.  For example, I've had someone tell I should reduce my yoga practice while I am exercising and lifting weights.  I lost interest there.  I love yoga.  Yoga keeps me supple and mentally, physicall and spiritually happy.  Yoga has been a part of my weight loss since the very beginning and yoga has given me the confidence to continue to get in shape.  I will never stop my practice.  For some people this may be dance or swimming.  Do what works for you.
• Don't beat yourself up if you have some ice cream or honemade Mac & Cheese.  Enjoy it and move on.  These little treats keep me sane.

I think the key is you need to figure out YOUR method.  Find out what works for you and start small.  Make little changes one day at a time.  It is a lot less overwhelming and you will be more inclined to stick with your changes.

Opening My Eyes and My Hips to Padmasana

Last night, I was able to make it through my practice right up to Marichyasana D without forgetting an asana.  I am able to complete the binds in the Marichyasana until I get to D where you must bind your bent leg with the opposite arm while your other leg is bent into half Padmasana or half lotus.

Marichyasana D. Via

There I was struggling desperately to grab my hands or even the tips of my fingers and rolling around on my butt, when Jeff came over to me and asked me if my ankle that was in Padmasana hurt.  Yes!  It always does.  I've mentioned this to teachers in other disciplines but had never gotten much in way of feedback, other than that my ankles were tight.  Well, did I just learn a wealth of information last night.  Jeff had me take my leg and bend it at the knee with my calf in front of me and parallel to the floor.  He then had me point my toe, like a ballerina, to prevent my toes from pointing to the ceiling and my ankle from turning.  Keeping my shin bone parallel to the floor I pulled my heel tight into my abdomen.  Jeff pointed out to me that my tendency is to bend my ankle, pointing the toes upward, which is what causes the strain on my ankle and my knee. I then turned my knee to almost point forward while rolling my hip and my calf in. 

Wow! What a difference.  My ankle no longer hurt.  It felt stiff but it wasn't painful.  My legs felt strong in Padmasana.  They never felt that way before.  It always felt awkward to me.  Suddenly, it was - it is - a new pose.  I felt grounded.

Jeff told me that in the next little while, I should work up to Marichyasana D in my practice, working on the variations of Mari D until I build some more strength in my core and am able to sit up straight so that I can reach my opposite arms.  In John Scott's book, he says that if you cannot perform this asana, do not progress further.  It is importatnt to develop opening in the hips and ankles before attempting the following asanas.

So, I will continue building my practice and working with my breath through the fluidity of the movement of the asanas while working on opening my hips and strengthening my core.  I feel like I have a goal that I am working towards and a focus.

My practice has shifted again.  It was always does, when I least it expect it to, things change.

P 90 X Update

I finished my 90 days of P90X a week and a half ago and the final measurements are in!

Chest: -0.25 "

Waist: -1.50"

Hips: -1.50"

Thigh (R): -0.75"

Thigh (L): -0.75"

Bicep-flexed (R): +1.0

Bicep-flexed (R): +1.0

Over all I am very pleased with my results.  I gained muscle in my arms and the flab has decreased so an inch gained when my arms are flexed is pretty awesome.  I didn't follow the program to a T because I just couldn't fit in the program on top of my yoga practice.  So my yoga replaced the non weight days.

Some other things I've noticed are my jeans are almost too big, they are definitely looser.  My winter coat from last year is way too big.  My yoga shorts fit me better.  My arms have more definition than they have ever had - ever.  I feel muscles in my back that I never knew existed.  

I started a new exercise routine on Monday and while I'm using a lot of Tony Horton's exercises, I'm changing things up a bit.  I was getting bored.  I read in an Oxygen magazine a couple months ago that women have a higher tendency to get bored with exercises than men do and I want to stay interested in my work outs.  So, I'm doing three days of weights and they're broken down into Back and Biceps, Chest Shoulders and Triceps and Legs and Back.  This is similar to the P90X workout but the way I've got it figured is that in between sets I do a cardio blast, which consists of squats, jumping lunges, burpees and mountain climbers.  It was tough, it got my heart pounding, challenged me and it was NEW.  And I will, of course, be practicing yoga 5 or 6 days a week on top of this.  I'll give this a shot for 4 weeks, take my measurements and see where I go from there.