Comfort Food - Raw Brownies

Sometimes life, well, it's just simply annoying.  This afternoon, I developed a general dislike for most of the human race.  When I feel this way I want to eat, I want to drink, I want to crawl into bed and watch Almost Famous.

So in order to solve my eating problem, I decided to go to the grocery store and get the ingredients to make - wait for it - a raw brownie recipe.

 Yes, you read that correctly.  It is a raw brownie.  I discovered the recipe on the My New Roots website.  Sarah Britton has a whole lot of amazing recipes and nutritional information on her blog.

The original recipe calls for raw cacao.  I did not use this, I used plain old cocoa powder.  I did some research on the difference between cocoa and cacao and the opinions are incredibly contradictoray.  Sarah even mentions in her comments that she is uncertain of the nutritional differences.  If you have any ideas, I would love to hear.

I've adapted the recipe to the ingredients I had on hand.


Raw Brownie

1 cup walnuts

1 cup hazelnuts

1 cup cocoa powder

2 1/2 cups fresh dates

1/4 teaspoon sea salt

The original recipe calls for chopped almonds, which you see on the left, I didn't use them

 Chop the walnuts and hazelnuts in the food processor and blend on high until they are finely ground.  

Add the cocoa powder and salt and pulse until mixed together.  

Turn the food processor on low and the dates one at a time through the feed tube while the processor is running.  

The mixture should stick together when pressed in your fingers.  Grease a pan with coconut oil.  Pour the mixture into the pan and press until the mixture is firm.  Allow the brownies to cool in the refrigerator for a few hours.

After chilling, cut and enjoy!  Even LW likes these brownies!

It Is Your Practice - a little tip for beginners

One of the most common comments I hear from beginners in the yoga studio is, I'm not flexible enough to do yoga.  This is such a huge misconception.  You do not need to be flexible to practice yoga.  Flexibility is one of the products of a regular yoga practice.

Another comment I often hear is, I'll never be able to do what you do or why can you do this and I can't.  There is one thing that I cannot stress enough when it comes to a yoga practice, just try your best, do what you can do in the proper alignment and above all STOP comparing yourself to anyone else.  And, if you want to see changes you need a consistent practice.  2 days a week will probably not result in many noticeable changes.  Now that doesn't mean that 2 days is not good for you but you need to practice consistently and constantly to really see changes.  In the past 28 months I have had a very steady practice of an average of 5 classes a week, which is why I think my poses have changed a lot.

Let me give you a little breakdown on how my Bikram yoga practice has changed since I first entered the studio in May 2009.  

• 28 months ago, I could not keep my arms straight and elbows locked through the entire Half Moon series.
• 28 months ago, I could not wrap my legs completely around each other in Eagle pose.
• 26 months ago, I thought my heart would explode out of my chest during the standing balancing series.
• 26 months ago, Camel pose made me feel sick. 
• 26 months ago, I had to walk my knees up to meet my head in Rabbit pose.
• 24 months ago, I could not kick my leg out in Standing Head to Knee pose. 
• 24 months ago, I finally learned how to breathe properly on the inhalation in Pranayama breathing.
• 20 months ago, I could not see my foot above my head in Standing Bow Pulling pose.
• 18 months ago, I could not wrap my arm around my back in Final Twist.
• 18 months ago, I could not sit with straight legs and a flat back in Stretching pose.
• 12 months ago, my elbows did not go below calf of my kicked out leg in Standing Head to Knee pose.
• 12 months ago, my chin never touched my shoulder in Standing Bow Pulling pose.
• 12 months ago, I could not meet my own eyes in the mirror.
• 8 months ago, I could barely kick my kicking leg forward in Standing Head to Knee pose, in order to keep my hips in one line.
• 5 months ago, I could not get into Fixed Firm pose for 5 classes.
• 2 months ago, I started feeling sick in Camel pose, again.
• 1 month ago, I could not keep my arms locked above my head in Half Moon.
• Today, I could not lock my knee in Standing Head to Knee pose. 

I didn't want this to be a list of things that I can't do in my yoga practice but I wanted to show that I have struggled, I still struggle, that our bodies change all the time and that EVERY BODY is different.

You may look around the room sometimes - you are hot, it's humid, sweat is in your eyes and you are struggling to keep your knee locked and your thigh contracted - you see people locking their knees, with what appears to be, such ease.  It's not.  It's not easy for any one.  You may think that the person next to you has a beautiful Standing Bow, I can guarantee you that 95% of the people who first try Standing Bow feel exactly the same way - that it is nearly impossible.  I know I did.

Stop comparing yourself to other people because your poses will never look like theirs.  You are unique and completely different to the person next to you.  Remember that walking into the hot room and practicing yoga is more than most people will do in one day.  Remember that you are there for yourself - be good to yourself, be gentle, be compassionate - if you can't balance one day, it just is and let it go.  Remember that if you don't understand something, ask questions!  Keep asking questions!  Ask different teachers the same question!  And above all, remember that it is your practice.  Do what you will, do what you can, try and simply get your ass to the studio.  The rest will take care of itself.

Workout Rage

If Tony Horton had been in my living room, this morning, I would have punched him in his smiling happy face.

I had workout rage this morning.  It was Legs and Back today and I did not want to do it.  I have started doing the legs workout without the video because I prefer listening to music but this morning I thought I probably needed the extra motivation to get me moving.  The anger is probably what propelled me through the workout.  It was hard.  I was tired.  I hate lunges so much.  I did it.  I finished it.  Week 9 is now done.

10 Reasons Why I Didn't Quit

1. In the last 9 weeks I have noticed a significant inch loss in my hips, my thighs and my waist. 
2. My arms are starting to have definition I have never ever ever had before.
3. Each exercise only last a couple minutes
4. The entire workout is only an hour.  I can handle an hour.
5. I really like the calf exercises and that is near the end of the workout.
6. I really really don't like quitting something I've started.  Except for a book, if a book doesn't grab me in a couple chapters I will quickly put it aside.
7. LW was in the next room cheering me on.  Even though I wanted to take out some of the rage on him, how could I quit when I had that encouragement right there to push me just a little more.
8. In some weird creepy way I think Tony would know if I quit.  He keeps telling you in the videos how he'll come to your house and track you down if you slack!
9. There is something amazing about feeling your heart pound and the sweat trickle down your body.  Even if you're not into it, sometimes you don't want it to stop.
10. Now, I feel amazing and happy and proud that I completed the workout.

Pumpkin Pie Pudding

I love pumpkin pie.  It is one of my favourite pies, which I find interesting because I never ate much pumpkin pie growing up, it was always Dutch apple pie (which is amazing).  In the last little while I developed my own version of pumpkin pie.  A "pie" that is a little healthier, minus the crust, because the best part is the filling

       Pumpkin Pie Pudding

• 3/4 cup maple syrup or honey
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
• 2 eggs
• 1 (14 ounce) can Pure Pumpkin or 1 3/4 cup of pureed fresh pumpkin
• 1 cup of unsweetened almond milk (or milk of choice)
• coconut oil to grease casserole dish

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Grease baking dish with coconut oil.
2. Beat eggs lightly in large bowl. Stir in pumpkin, maple syrup and spices. Gradually stir in almond milk. Pour into baking dish.
3. Bake for 15 minutes. Reduce temperature to 350 degrees F.; bake for 40 to 50 minutes or until knife inserted near center comes out clean. Cool on wire rack for 2 hours. Serve immediately or refrigerate.

 I entered all the ingredients into LiveStrong.  Using my 8.5 by 8.5 casserole dish and estimating 9 servings, the website calculated the recipe to be 111 calories per serving.  Not bad for a little treat (or two) during the day.


One of my favourite things to do with this recipe, is in the Autumn I go down to my local market and buy the sugar pumpkins.  I then roast them in the oven and purée them in the food processor.

I forgot to get a photo post-bake but I swear to you it is as delicious as a pumpkin pie!

Infinity

Thanks to Hearts Expanding for sharing this.

When I think of infinity I think of:

• endless possibilities
• the ocean
• children (I used to say infinity all the time)
• space
• experience
• darkness
• Toy Story
• ant hills (yes, I know they're small but imagine being the size of an ant and having all those tunnels to move around in)
• art
• the sky
• clouds
• dreams (speaking of which.  i dreamed last night that i was possessed by the devil and arguing with a priest. wtf?)
• knowledge
• books
• the web (seriously, i can't wrap my head around where all of this stuff resides)

Small Goals

Since the beginning of June, I have applied for about 14 advertised jobs in the GIS field.  Their locations have ranged from Ontario to northern Alberta to my hometown of Victoria.  I have heard nothing - nothing, from any of these potential employers.

Does my resume suck?  Is my cover letter terrible?  I have revamped them both in the past couple of months with some professional help.  Do I lack in experience?  Perhaps.  Am I limited by where I will move to?  Not really, look where I have applied.  Is my heart into it?  I don't know.

Why isn't my heart into it?  Well, because I know I don't want to be a GIS technician forever.  I feel I have more to offer, to give and there is something out there that is better for me career wise.  But, I do know that when I am challenged in my job as a GIS tech, I like it.  I love being challenged.  And I know that when I work for a company that I respect, generally, as a whole, I will work hard for my pay cheque.  And I know that I'm proud that I've developed this technical side of my brain because I never thought that I ever COULD.

So what are my options?  Well, the first thing that always pops into my head is that I should just go back to school and try again.  Unfortunately, I'm nearing the age of 30 (less than 2 months!) and as much as I love learning, always, I can't bloody well afford to, in the traditional sense of University.  I know that I do not want to be a starving student and I know that I want to be debt free.  I know that I could do an online course again (I earned my GIS diploma on line while working full time) but I need to be seriously interested in the subject.

So, as far as I'm concerned, I need to keep looking.  Someone said to me the other day that if yoga starts taking over your life maybe you should make yoga your life.  As wonderful as that sounds there's something inside of me that is still unsure.  And one thing that I do know fully about myself is that I know when I make a decision and want something I feel it in my gut to the depth of my bowels and I am positive and it is easy.  Once I make the decision or know that I want something doors open.  I haven't had this feeling in quite a while.  I'm not sitting around waiting for it but I have my feelers out there.  I'll know when something is right.  

In the meantime,  I'm blogging, which I am loving, by the way.  I have a bunch of post its stuck to my computer for topics that I can talk about.  It really is stimulating and I am rediscovering my creativity and am enjoying my daily practice.

James Altucher says that he starts noticing results after a month, then 3 months, then 6 months.  Who knows?  But I'm glad I picked up the practice and I'm 23 days in!

Easy, I Have It Easy...

Definitely not feeling like I have it easy today.  I've been having nights of very heavy sleeps coupled with very vivid dreams, along with day times of feeling down and out and not knowing what I want or how to get it.

I'm finding it tough to get my butt to yoga and to make dinner.  I've managed to keep to my meal plan, throwing in a couple pieces of dark chocolate here and there to keep me sane.  I feel like I'm walking through a bit of a fog and I know I just need to keep pushing because the sun will burn off the mist eventually.

And really, in the grand scheme of things, I don't have it all that bad.  I was driving home from lunch with a friend, trying to psych myself up to start Week 9 of P90X and K-OS came on the radio.  It's my theme song for the rest of the day.  Here's to the start of Week 9!

Body Image and Hard Work

Self esteem and body image are something I have struggled with my entire life.  As a little girl I had thick glasses that made my eyes look small and distorted my face.  As a pre adolescent I developed breasts much earlier than all of my friends.  I remember my mum constantly telling me to stop slouching - I wanted to hide my new forming body.  I was never a little girl.  My dad and my brothers are all 6'4".  I have my Dad and my Oma's body type - high waisted, slim, muscular legs and a tendency to gain weight around the middle.

I remember the day that I first felt even remotely pretty.  I was fourteen years old and my mum and dad finally said I could have contact lenses.  Mum and I were in the optometrist office and the doctor put the contacts in my eyes.  I looked at the reflection of my face for the first time - with no glasses or having to be three inches from a mirror and said, "I never knew I was pretty."  This was one of the best moments of my life - to be able to see my face with no distortion from glasses - to be able to see all of it clearly in one piece, not my eyes then my nose and then my lips, but my beautiful face all in one glance.

My weight fluctuated a lot during high school and I was never fully happy with how I looked.  I had my eyes and my face but was never very happy with anything else and I would never let anyone see me with my glasses on.  By the time I got to my early 20s I was busy traveling and I tried not to give it much thought - I pushed my weight and how I looked out of my mind most of the time but compared myself constantly to my friends and strangers around me and was never satisfied with what I saw in the mirror.

I moved back to my hometown when I was 25 with a broken heart, run down and 50 pounds over weight.  The main reason I had even come home was to have surgery.  I had been waiting for 2 years to have a breast reduction and I was going to have it no matter what.  I woke up from surgery a different person.  It was as though I had been in a deep meditation and life seemed clearer - I knew above anything else that I had to get healthy.  I started practicing yoga at home with a video and walking.  I was unemployed and healing so I couldn't do too much but the yoga helped me focus on something that wasn't my broken heart.  6 weeks into my unemployment I got restless and found a job.  My office was right next door to a gym so along with my yoga video every morning I went to the gym five days a week.  I started gaining confidence.  I lost fifty pounds.  Shirts that never would have fit me before the surgery fit like a glove.  I was full of energy and felt like Juliana for the first time in my entire life.

Then I met my LW.  He encouraged me to show myself off and not hide my body.  He would constantly tell me I was beautiful and sexy.  He made me feel beautiful when I was with him and I believed that he thought that I was beautiful.  Some days I would look in the mirror and be alright with what I saw but was never fully satisfied.

And then I discovered Bikram yoga.  I was exposed to myself completely in front of those mirrors.  I met myself head on with no excuses and no exceptions.  I went from wearing shorts and a tank top to shorts and a sports bra.  I moved from the back of the room to the front of the room.  I went from not wearing a bathing suit in public to baring every part of me in the BYS Yoga Competition.

About 6 months ago I looked in my bathroom mirror as I was getting ready to go out and I thought to myself, "I like what I see.  I like all of this.  I am beautiful." and I believed every word.

I can't say that I like my tummy every day of the week or that I am fully satisfied with my arms BUT I know that everyday I work hard at being stronger and I work hard at loving myself.  A year ago I couldn't do one full push up, now I can knock out 20 (I did just get on the floor and do them, I couldn't lie to you!).   It makes me fully believe that we can do whatever we want - we just have to believe in ourselves.

Ups and Downs

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings.

 Rumi

I was searching the mighty world wide web for some thing to inspire my required post for the day and stumbled across this quote by Rumi. 

It got me to thinking about all the ups, downs, twists, turns, mountains and deep crevasses we all experience throughout our lives.  Every moment, every thought, every breath that we inhale and then exhale makes us who we are.

Every person in the world is constantly contracting and then expanding.  We are all changing, all growing, all learning.  Embrace that growth, celebrate the small victories and love yourself for those moments.  They make you, you. 

Saturday Afternoon

Today we drove 20 minutes north of Victoria to the closest bowling alley around.  There used to be 2 in Victoria but they've, unfortunately, been long gone and turned into parking lots and Walmart.

It was a five pin alley so you hold the tiny ball in one hand and only have 5 pins to knock over.  It was fun.  There were black lights and cheesy music.  I felt like I was in high school all over again. 

Not the best shot but it captured the mood of the place.

Perfect Example

This morning's practice was the exact reason why I practice yoga.  It was like the dialogue was speaking directly to me this morning and I was responding perfectly to every instruction during each asana.  

The owner of the studio was teaching this morning and although I see her around a lot, I am rarely in one of her classes.  I was nearly directly in front of her and for whatever reason the moment she walked into class I absorbed the calmness she emanated and her voice hypnotized me. 

For the first time in a long time, everything that I know I need to do with my body to get into the asanas, was related to me through the dialogue.  I didn't add my own little tweaks - I didn't  use my own mind at all.  I simply listened and my body responded.  I moved strongly and fluidly.  Thoughts would float in but they would just as easily float on away again.  All that existed for me this morning was her voice, my ears and my mind working together to get my body to respond.

I've noticed in the last little while, and have heard other people discussing it, that when something clicks in your Bikram practice, it's like you'd never heard it before and suddenly there it is every time you hear the dialogue.  I remember this happening to me when one of the instructors specifically told me to place the palms of my hands flat on my heels in Camel pose, it was like that phrase had never existed for me before and now I hear it all the time.

I've had a few teachers tell me that they don't do a lot of physical corrections in Bikram yoga because they are trying to emphasize the mind-body connection.  It's starting to make sense to me.  You hear what the teachers are instructing you to do but how many of us are actually carefully listening to these instructions for the entire class?  From what I understand, the purpose of the dialogue is to allow us, as students, to simply listen and follow.  We shouldn't have to think about anything except for the moment that we are experiencing and the words that are being relayed to us.

Now, I don't know whether this morning everything just lined up perfectly for me - I was in the right space and I picked up on my instructors energy perfectly.  Or whether she brought something special to class this morning with her calmness and grace.  But I think this is a new experience for me - it wasn't about the postures or how I performed them, it was simply about listening, responding and being. 

Warm Autumn Zucchini Soup

It has started getting a little chilly here the last couple of days.  Today I rode my bike in a hoodie with the rain spattering my sun glasses and all I could think of was some warm soup to have for dinner.

Warm Autumn Zucchini Soup

2 medium zucchinis
1 medium yellow onion
3 cloves garlic
2 cups chicken or vegetable stock
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 stalk of fresh rosemary
pinch crushed red pepper
salt and pepper
parmigiano reggiano (optional)

In a large pot heat olive oil.  Add the onion and saute a few minutes, add garlic.  Chop up zucchini and add to the pot with salt and pepper, crushed red pepper and the rosemary.  Allow to cook until the zucchini is soft, about 5-7 minutes.  Add the stock and simmer for 15 minutes.  Carefully pour everything in the pot into a blender and puree in batches.  Hold a cloth over the top of the blender to prevent the top from popping off from the heat of the liquid.  If you have an immersion blender you can use it.
Pour the puree back into the pot and keep warm on the stove.  Add parmigiano when ready to serve.
 

Served with raw flax cracker from Cafe Bliss

Major Project Complete

I started this afghan about 9 months ago.  I dabbled in it on and off and last night, while watching Game of Thrones, I finished it!

Just in time for cold autumn days!

Types of Therapy

I wanted Retail Therapy.

I wanted Food Therapy.

I chose Yoga Therapy.

Yoga kicked my ass again and again today.  I knew it would.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to spend money or eat a big ass greasy burger.  I chose the Yoga.  The Yoga kicked my ass.  But you know it shifted some things around.  Shook me up a little.  It was probably worth while.  And it cost me nothing.

Finding Peace

Rush

1. To move or act swiftly; hurry.

2. To make a sudden or swift attack or charge.

3. General haste or busyness

This is me when I work full time.  I am constantly running from bed, to the yoga room, to home, to the shower, to the bus, to the office.  And then I run home, get in a quick workout, cook dinner quickly because I want time to digest it before I go to bed.

I just got back from the grocery store.  I pedaled very slowly to it on my bike, looking around and taking in my surroundings and then I pedaled home again, thinking about how much I enjoy that I feel little pressure in how quickly or slowly I complete a task.

I have always been a very punctual person.  I am always on time - if not early.  My days are organized in my head how long it will take me to complete a task before I can move on to the next one.  I like order and things to fall into place when I expect them to.  I like things to run efficiently.  I like to be efficient.  I know that life doesn't always work this way but I do like to organize what I can control in my life and I get annoyed if things don't go the way they were planned.

I would like to take the stress out of being busy or rushing when I return to the work force.  I would like to somehow relinquish some of my control on time - especially in situations that I have no control over, like the bus.  I will never give up organizing my life.  I will always be punctual and will try to complete tasks with efficiency but I want the rigidity of what I expect of myself to diminish.  I want to remove the hastiness of life.  I want to remember coasting my bike to the grocery store and listening to the leaves rustle and the birds singing and smelling the ocean air blowing in off the Juan de Fuca straight.

I want to find peace in the chaos.